Tainted vision, restored faith

I have lived the last few years with tainted vision.  My outlook an most things has been cynical and even hostile.  I think part of that is the fact its only been ten years since I stopped using any “substances”.  I agree with the science that says usage from a young age retards your emotional abilities.  You tend to compartmentalize your problems instead of dealing with them at the time.  All the pain and anguish, however small, will build up inside you. You throw a blanket over the problems and wait for a better time to think about it, but that time never comes.  It’s a time bomb in your mind.

When you finally stop, HANG ON!  The floodgates open and you remember things from long ago you had stored away, hoping to forget.  You may be an adult, but it’s still allot to process.  You go through all the emotional states of mind, from one end to the other, sometimes in just a few minutes.  It can be very overwhelming.  Slowly but surely, you take out every piece, look at it, then place it in the trash and let it go.  Some are harder than others, and may take more time, but you will get through it.

Two years ago, I dropped all the “friends” I thought I had.  I realized they were not really going to help me.  They were in the same downward spiral as I was trying to climb out of, they just don’t see it.  They are all good people, but if you want to change your course, you leave everything behind.  I needed to remove myself from the temptations of the past.  If you are allergic to peanuts, would you move in with Jimmy Carter?  I think not.

Today is my last day at work for awhile.  I’m taking some time off to focus on getting my parents into assisted living.  They really need help throughout the day now, and I can’t do that and a full time job too.  The company I work for has been incredibly supportive.  They have restored my faith in people.  I’m almost surprised at times with how genuine their compassion is.  I guess I’m not used to being treated the way we should all treat others.  Most people are to busy with their own lives to bother with truly considering their actions toward others.  I am guilty as well, and I am trying to change that. You only get one life, and when you reflect back on it, how are you going to see yourself?  Will you be happy with what you see?  I hope I will be.


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