I don’t know what to make of this day. It started off pretty good, but went downhill from there. I could tell my folks felt ok this morning. My mom was upbeat and joking, and she had a positive outlook on the day. My father was laughing at the tv program he was watching. I made them breakfast, then went to take some pictures by Sandy River near my house.
Vinny, my dog, always enjoyed the water, and today was no exception. He happily played while I shot some video and took some pictures. It’s not very sunny today, but it’s 70 degrees, a slight breeze and all I can hear is the water running over the rocks. I closed my eyes and I felt a feeling of euphoria pass over me. There’s something about the sounds of nature that are so soothing to me.
For an hour I was away from all the trials of my life at this point. With my eyes closed, I focus with my minds eye and I see myself sitting beside a tropical stream, listening to the water as it runs downhill to the ocean. I hear the birds singing their songs of joy and happiness.
I could see the fish laboriously swimming upstream to their spawning grounds. I can see animals coming to the edge for a drink. All is good in the world. Then I went home.
When I got home, everything seemed fine. My mom was struggling to move around, but no more than usual. I showed her the videos and pictures I took. She seemed to enjoy them. My father pointed out the flies he could see darting back and forth in the video, but she could not see them due to her poor vision. Her frustration took over, and ended in an angry outburst. She feels so poorly now that it has to be very hard on her to stay positive. It’s almost unbearable for me to watch. She goes to her favorite chair to relax, and falls asleep. When I see her slumped over in the chair, I feel my heart hurt, because I know there is nothing I can do.
It’s so hard to watch the people you care for suffer. It’s an experience we all must face at least once in our lives. To look at someone and know that maybe, this is what’s is in store for you, gives new meaning to “Live life to the fullest” while you can.
She wakes up, and I help her outside to sit in the sun. Tears stream down my face as I tell her how much I care, and wish I could do more. She says it’s ok, and I shouldn’t worry. But how is that possible? I go back to finnish this post and sob quietly for awhile. Happy, and then sad. Such is a day in my life.