I woke this morning at 2 am feeling very alone. I can hear the echo from my bare feet as I walk to the bathroom. I look down the empty hallway and can’t help but see the comparison to my life so far. It seems no matter how much I walk or run, I never seem to reach my goals. Are they unattainable? I don’t think so, but why then? Have I been unconsciously waiting for this time to get serious? Can I focus on my future without feeling guilty about my obligation to my parents? I’m not sure, but I’m going to try.
I start my new job tomorrow. I have finished my packing and I will visit my mom one more time before I leave the state. One things for sure, I can’t stay in this house one more night. Standing here alone I feel a deep sense of loss. This is the house where my father realy started to loose touch with reality. This is the house where my mother had her stroke and almost died. This is the house I where I had to let go of them. I won’t say there are no good memories in this house or town, but these stand out to me. I never felt like I belonged here. I think only 5 or 6 people talked to me in the year and a half I have lived here. Three of them all worked at the local store, and one of them was my neighbor. She was one of the most pleasant people I have ever met. You don’t meet many truly kind people in this world, and I feel privileged to have met her. I have known many people so far in my life. Most that I called friends let me down. I have a few people I talk with on facebook, and others that I unfriended, but I have been thru this a few times. I have been alone before, and sometimes it’s easier.
As I drive away, I feel a sharp pain. I will allways remember this house as the final time I had the responability of caring for my parents. I wonder if I did all I could? I know they are fine in their new surroundings, but I can’t help my feeling of loss. I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that eventually you have to say goodbye.