I will conquer the enemy within

self-doubt

noun

  1. lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities:

    “his later years were plagued by self-doubt”

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When I woke up this morning, this is what my day looked like to me.  Not just the days weather, but my whole outlook.  This is a problem I have had my entire life.

As a young boy, my daily struggle with chronic back and neck pain was something I though was just a part of life.  As I grew older, it really started to wear on me, and made daily activities almost unbearable.  The pain, extensive drug abuse, and my lack of friends led me to the edge of “Ending it all” several times.  But that’s not what was bothering me today.

A few days ago I read a post by a blogger I follow. Half way through I was struck with her incredible mastery of the English language and her vast vocabulary skills. Don’t ask me what the post was about as I was so overwhelmed with how poorly my abilities compared. When I read a post from another blogger I follow, I marveled at her ability to find humor in any situation, and garner over 100 likes for every post. I seriously considered abandoning this blog and walking away.

Such is the story of my life. Many times I have started something, full of focus and bravado, only to quit before true success was won. But how do you define success? Is it thru a 10000 word dictionary in your mind, or 150 likes for every post? It’s easy to see that as a measure of success, but not everyone can achieve that. Sometimes I feel so completely under educated and uncultured that I question why I thought I could gain any following. Self doubt rears its ugly head once again.

I thought about trying to change my style, to emulate other, more successful bloggers to gain a better following.  I found blogs that had 5000 and even 10000 followers.  I read some of their posts and thought of how shallow some of their stories were.  Why would I care what you had for lunch at a $100 an entree restaurant, or how much you spent this week on the newest fashions?  I guess there’s readers for every blog, just like an ass for every seat!

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As the sun was setting, I remembered something said to me when I started this blog.  “Write your own truth.”  Those words held little meaning to me at the time, but they resonate now.  I will tell my story the way I see it.  I will not fall into the old trap of giving up before I’m done.  I will conquer the enemy within and come out a better person for it.  And just when I was pulling into this Walmart to end my day, a song came on, almost as if to say…you can do this!

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don’t know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I’m like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say

Carry on my wayward son
They’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more

“Carry on Wayward Son” By Kansas
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35 thoughts on “I will conquer the enemy within

  1. We can always find those who will outshine us in any category if we look hard enough. But is life really about comparing yourself to others or is it about expressing what is in your mind and heart? For what it’s worth, I find your posts very well written and I enjoy reading them. I don’t know any other truckers, much less ones that have the ability to put into words what it’s like to be on the road day after day and to continually find joy in it. Carry on…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I think to some degree we’re all plagued by self doubts and a tendency to compare but don’t you dare give up your writing! Your style is your own, your voice is your own and you have a story to tell, just like we all do. It’s not really about the numbers or the stats, much as some would have you believe. It’s about connections and the quality of them, and that applies to real life as well. I really enjoy your posts and I think you have a great style of writing. So, keep going trucker man with the dog!

    Liked by 5 people

  3. Did you really read that first comment ?
    You are the 1st trucker that person has ever known.. I see those words scattered in other comments throughout your blog..
    You aren’t just a blogger online, you are an ambassador online for the trucking industry.. And you do it well, giving insight and tips on safe driving around trucks.. And you do it with stories and firsthand accounts and pictures.. And not preachy or teachy.. People are drawn to your blog by its unique name and then find another unique side of you, you’re a trucker ! And whatever preconceived notions they had, they really see many of us drivers thru you.. I have 7 followers and that’s 7 more than I expected.. I started my blog for ppl to read and try the recipes.. You have 58 !
    Maybe I’m just naive not understanding the purpose of blogging.. But readers are different than followers.. I’m tickled because of 7 ppl who found and read my blog and think checking back in for new posts is worth following and getting a notification every time I post.. When it would be easier just to bookmark and pop back in at their leisure than get a notification every time I get chatty..
    You have 58 people who look forward to your next post !!! So I hope self doubt that whispers, I can’t, is pushed out of your mind by humility that shouts, oh wow, they like what i write !

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Pan, I should have stated that I don’t have any friends who are truckers. I used to work in an industrial park when I first started welding my sculptures and would see truck drivers thread their humongous 18 wheelers through the smallest space in the parking lot to drop off their shipment. I have nothing but respect and awe for the job truckers do day after day. I still meet truckers when I need to ship my sculptures, but I can’t say I KNOW them, I just meet them for a brief time and trust that they will get my sculptures to where they need to go in one piece. However, you guys are the first ones whose blogs I have read…keep on writing! (and cooking…)

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Then you have a bit more insight than ppl who’ve never seen trucks maneuver to hit a dock.. The bad rap we get is because most ppl only experience truckers driving down the road and we all tend to remember bad moments rather than good or indifferent.. its the minority that makes the majority look bad..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There are bad drivers everywhere. I try to give trucks a lot of notice before I move in front of them. I also flash my lights to let them go in front of me. I admit to getting frustrated at truck drivers but I know it is their job. But all the drivers I have met in person were super nice. Maybe a little weird, but nice. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. And the purpose of my comment wasn’t to highlight or pigeon hole you as a trucker.. Your blog name doesn’t even give a clue to that.. Being a trucker is just one of the many pieces found in your blog that ppl discover about you 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You should only include what is your inspiration.. Of course trucking will come up time to time.. But its not all of who you are, as evidenced by your blog already.. I believe your best writing will always be from inspiration more than trying to pick a subject matter to write about.. I hope that answers your question 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Don’t you DARE to give up. I follow your blog for a multitude of reasons – I have learned about trucking. I knew absolutely nothing about it before but I knew that truckers were rhymed too often with another ucking word and that it was generally an appalling misjustice. And I have learned about places and seen beautiful things with you. And I have read your first poem and it was bluddy good. Do you hear me? It was REALLY good. I couldn’t believe it was a first attempt. You are actually a really good writer – I don’t care how big your blasted vocabulary is it doesn’t matter a jot. What matters is your voice connects to the keyboard and I hear you. And your following will grow, is growing. I’ve been blogging for 2 years and I only have a relatively small following and from time to time I think I should sell out and write about the stuff people want to read about but then I remember that the only person who can really be true to me is me and if I stop I will be lost. And I’m too damn vain to be lost and forgotten so I keep doing what I do and being little miss me, me, me. I understand self-doubt. Honestly I do but please Mr Weird Man don’t stop what you are doing because it is really valuable and really really good. And also what Pan and all the other’s said. That is all.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I know you won’t. And just remember, I may inspire you but it’s a two-way street. I don’t follow many blogs but yours is a keeper for so many reasons (not just because Vinnie has an resemblance to The Bean, OK?) 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I wrote a reply, but it appears the site ate it or something. I am a new follower of your blog, and hope you continue to write. I offer these thoughts: We’re all our own worst critic. We all feel inadequate and ‘stupid’ time to time. But you never know who your words will touch. Me? I was drawn to your blog for a variety of reasons: I love dogs, I’m ‘weird’, I enjoy reading thoughts from other “older” folk, my late husband was a trucker and I miss him. Reading trucking stories brings back fond memories. See? You are already spreading your influence around. And what the others said is true. Keep writing! I’d miss ya if you didn’t.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I’ve been off the internet lately and just read this. Sorry to hear about your childhood in pain. That’s sad. Hope your neck and back are better now.

    You nominated me for the Liebster Award recently and I never got it reposted. Honestly, I’m still learning all these blogging skills that are old hat to others. Silly stuff like how to do links. 😀 That’s why I never reposted it. Sorry about that!

    I’m going to guess that lots have folks have dealt with self doubt at some point. Just a walk through a bookstore will show lots of self help books on the subject. Seems like self doubt affects many. Hang in there.

    As far as the blogging goes, this is the way I look at it. One story, ONE blog post, has the ability to change someone’s life. One person. To me, helping one person or reminding them of their good memories, or making them laugh, is all that matters. Although it’s easy to get tied up in the numbers, that’s not necessarily what’s important, you know?

    By the look of all these wonderful comments before mine, you are doing great things with your writing. Bravo! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I remember that blogger who had more than 10,000 followers and would once a week post a ‘donation-plea’ asking people to pay for the opportunity to be reblogged on his site. Very business-minded, he asked for various amounts according to the length of their posts. And his followers ‘liked’ these pleas. I couldn’t help but suggesting he find a part-time job 😉
    So, who cares what other bloggers do? I believe if we write from the heart with truth and honesty people will respond to it, there’s no way around it.
    Happy posting and driving!
    Dagmar

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Our mind will always give us plenty of reasons for NOT doing things, or why we are not good enough or strong enough or non-deserving. This negative voice is often derives from our parents, relatives, teachers etc, belittling us, downsizing us and our dreams… So next time your head criticizes or discourages you, just thank it for the comment and let it know that you don’t give a flying f*** 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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