lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities:
“his later years were plagued by self-doubt”
When I woke up this morning, this is what my day looked like to me. Not just the days weather, but my whole outlook. This is a problem I have had my entire life.
As a young boy, my daily struggle with chronic back and neck pain was something I though was just a part of life. As I grew older, it really started to wear on me, and made daily activities almost unbearable. The pain, extensive drug abuse, and my lack of friends led me to the edge of “Ending it all” several times. But that’s not what was bothering me today.
A few days ago I read a post by a blogger I follow. Half way through I was struck with her incredible mastery of the English language and her vast vocabulary skills. Don’t ask me what the post was about as I was so overwhelmed with how poorly my abilities compared. When I read a post from another blogger I follow, I marveled at her ability to find humor in any situation, and garner over 100 likes for every post. I seriously considered abandoning this blog and walking away.
Such is the story of my life. Many times I have started something, full of focus and bravado, only to quit before true success was won. But how do you define success? Is it thru a 10000 word dictionary in your mind, or 150 likes for every post? It’s easy to see that as a measure of success, but not everyone can achieve that. Sometimes I feel so completely under educated and uncultured that I question why I thought I could gain any following. Self doubt rears its ugly head once again.
I thought about trying to change my style, to emulate other, more successful bloggers to gain a better following. I found blogs that had 5000 and even 10000 followers. I read some of their posts and thought of how shallow some of their stories were. Why would I care what you had for lunch at a $100 an entree restaurant, or how much you spent this week on the newest fashions? I guess there’s readers for every blog, just like an ass for every seat!
As the sun was setting, I remembered something said to me when I started this blog. “Write your own truth.” Those words held little meaning to me at the time, but they resonate now. I will tell my story the way I see it. I will not fall into the old trap of giving up before I’m done. I will conquer the enemy within and come out a better person for it. And just when I was pulling into this Walmart to end my day, a song came on, almost as if to say…you can do this!
Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don’t know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I’m like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say
Carry on my wayward son
They’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more