“The Awakening”

That title sounds like an 80’s horror movie!  The kind where a 6 legged alien latches onto your chest to deposit it’s offspring into your diaphragm, or grabs your face and inserts a probe into you sinus cavity and eats your brain!  I watched to many of those ridiculous movies growing up.  What I really mean by that is the awakening of my life over the last few years.

aa (2) (Medium)It started in Sebec Maine when I was living in my motor home.  Sitting there in the dark, I came to the realization that the only way my life was going to improve was if I changed everything about it.  I had thought about it before, but I think I was ready at that moment in time.  I just stopped.  All the drug use, all the self loathing, the cigarettes, even all the friends I had.  Everything all at once.  I saw no other way to do it but dive in head first and go.  I don’t regret it at all.

b (7) (Medium)When I rented the house in Strong Maine, and moved my folks in, I started to become more comfortable with who I was becoming.  When I started this blog, all my thought’s  started to fall into place.  This blog was nothing more that my way to mark the milestones of my awakening.  Each post was a moment in time where I truly looked at myself and decided who I wanted to be.  Each emotional pain, difficult situation, hard to understand moment in time, all laid bare to the world and to me in those writings.  When I read them anew, I still feel everything I put into each one.

a (23)I enjoyed taking care of my folks, walking in the woods and beside Sandy River, the beauty of rural Maine.  I would go for walks down the trails behind the house with Vinny for hours.  I feel at ease when I am alone.  I have felt that way my whole life.  I once went camping on Tumbledown Mt here in Maine for a week by myself.  My goal was to not speak a single word for the entire trip and I succeeded!  When I stopped at a store on the way home, my voice sounded alien to me, but it was a great experience.

I started negotiations with the owners of the house to possibly purchase it through owner finance.  When things went “South” for my father, I gave up on the idea of the purchase.  In retrospect, had I purchased the home, I think I would have given up on my hopes for “High Adventure” in my life.  I would have spent many years fixing and improving the house in an area where resale would have been very difficult.  I think I made the right choice.  Still, my last day there was a very sad one indeed.  Here is a repost of that day…

You have to say Goodbye

I woke this morning at 2 am feeling very alone.  I can hear the echo from my bare feet as I walk to the bathroom.  I look down the empty hallway and can’t help but see the comparison to my life so far.  It seems no matter how much I walk or run, I never seem to reach my goals.   Are they unattainable?  IMG_0916I don’t think so, but why then?  Have I been unconsciously waiting for this time to get serious?  Can I focus on my future without feeling guilty about my obligation to my parents?  I’m not sure, but I’m going to try.

I start my new job tomorrow.  I have finished my packing and I will visit my mom one more time before I leave the state.  One things for sure, I can’t stay in this house one more night.  Standing here alone I feel a deep sense of loss.  This is the house where my father really started to loose touch with reality.  This is the house where my mother had her stroke and almost died.  This is the house I where I had to let go of them.  I won’t say there are no good memories in this house or town, but these stand out to me.  I never felt like I belonged here.  I think only 5 or 6 people talked to me in the year and a half I have lived here.  Three of them all worked at the local store, and one of them was Hannah, my neighbor.  She was one of the most pleasant people I have ever met.  You don’t meet many truly kind people in this world, and I feel privileged to have met her.  I have known many people so far in my life.  Most that I called friends let me down.  I have a few people I talk with on Facebook, and others that I unfriended, but I have been thru this a few times.  I have been alone before, and sometimes it’s easier.

IMG_0918As I drive away, I feel a sharp pain.  I will always remember this house as the final time I had the responsibility of caring for my parents.  I wonder if I did all I could?  I know they are fine in their new surroundings, but I can’t help my feeling of loss.  I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that  eventually you have to say goodbye.

I will always look back at my time in Strong with mixed feelings.  Sadness yes, but also a reverence for all things beautiful in rural Maine.  See for yourself…

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And, of course, what’s most important…family

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“The Sleeper has Awoken!”   (I thought Dune was a cool movie!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on ““The Awakening”

  1. It’s the bridge between what is and what will be that is often the hardest part. Your dreams await. You can if you will. You are taking a step into the unknown from the known – that has to be a little scary and the demons are bound to act up a bit. But you have the beauty and the good times to perculate through you and they will drown the anxiety little by little as you build the new to steer you on the path to the ultimate goal. And you have convinced me if nothing else that I will visit Maine whilst I’m here. A little dream of my own 🙂 Dune is a brilliant film by the way and Frank Herberts books are stunning

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha! It’s funny to me that “The Awakening” made you think of a horror movie, because it made me think of the Kate Chopin novel! The book’s fitting for your post too, because the main character has a mix of strength and sadness. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this, and found the photography so beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

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