This last week I have been struggling with the same old demon, self doubt. When you’ve had something weighing you down for so long, it takes a lot of effort and time to overcome it’s hold. It hides in the shadows of my mind, waiting for the slightest sign of weakness so it can assert itself over my thoughts and actions. Like an ancient Knight, I joust with the opponent, with each pass I add another dent to its armor, gain a little more control.
Even now, as the very attractive server brings my dinner, I try to engage her in conversation while my inner self says “Be careful” she may think I’m just a weird truck driver! It’s actually a relief when she appears genuinely interested in talking and we had a great conversation. I still didn’t have the nerve to ask her name, but I thank her for the conversation. I come to this truck stop often, next time I’ll ask! It’s funny how the mind works.
Also today, I got the news that I was voted the Employee of the Month at the company I work for. I must say I was very surprised by that as, there again, I felt I was just an average employee. Ive always felt I do a good job with the customers, even the jerks, take good care of the truck, who wants to break down, and I try to keep calls to the office down to a minimum. I’m not the only driver after all! Thank you to all who voted for me, it means a lot!
Slowly but surely I drag myself out of the shadow of my past, and into the light of my future. I’ve decided not to wait, but go ahead and purchase a small sailboat this year. Something around 25 feet or so. There are many to be found here in Maine for as little as $3500.00 in good shape. This will not be my “Liveaboard” sailboat, just a learners permit! It’s small enough to sail single handed up and down the coast, but big enough to spend a week long vacation on it in comfort.
I’m going to step out of my comfort zone and just follow my dream. I fear if I wait I may find one excuse or another, delay after delay, and wind up years from now wondering why I never followed through. My dream is to be self sufficient, self contained and self motivated. Each day I find something of beauty, say something kind, do something polite and do something weird! After all, I am weird, hear me roar!