Stupid humans! If they only knew how much they need me. By day, I’m just a spastic, bark at everything pet dog for a overfed, follicly challenged truck driver. But at night, I’m SUPERDOG!
Defender of all things stinky and gross, I travel this land in search of those in need of my special talents. Dog catchers cower at my feet with one whiff of my doggie breath. When the Vet comes at me with the “Glove” on, I fart in her general direction thereby causing temporary paralyses and striking fear in all who venture near!
A chorus of barks rises from the waiting room as I amble out of exam room 2, a smirk of satisfaction for a job well done. As I stand at the door, waiting for my stupid human, I growl out my warning, “None shall pass!” as other humans try to run away. “You will leave this room when I am ready to let you, not a moment sooner!”
I shall never rest until all dogs have savored the sweet smell of rancid trash. Urinated on trees and defecated in parking lots in all 57 states. Savored the sting of fire ant encrusted hot dogs from the grass of truck stops, and chased prairie dogs down holes in Denver.
I will teach all to rip the flesh off the fingers of those who would rob us, like I did on Long Island! Show you where to barf so it takes days for stupid humans to find it. Teach you how to Suck Up to get what you want. Humans are suckers for sad eyes!
And what do I require in return for my heroic actions? A scratch under the chin? A bowl of kibble? No, just the satisfaction of knowing that I, Vinny the Enforcer, have mastery over all humankind, even if their to stupid to see it!
PS: An introduction to Pattie Purebred down the street would be nice! Just drop me over the fence for an hour! 😉