In the mist of my endless search
The best in life becomes clear
The rest just begins to fade by itself
That’s a trick I learnt though it took so long
Bitter tears taste so sweet
I’m seein’ my way for the first time in years
When the love around begins to suffer
And you can’t find love in one, in one another
Push away those bitter tears, bitter tears
Bitter Tears – INXS
My life so far has been an emotional roller coaster. There have been times I think I’ve cried an ocean of bitter tears. Some of the bad experiences were my own fault, some not. Some I think I deserved given the way I treated others, and some were a result of people taking advantage of me at my weakest point. For many years I suppressed it all with drug use, bad friend choices, and other distractions instead of trying to come to grips with what was eating at me. I was very lonely, and I still am.
The human mind is incredibly powerful, but not without it’s faults. Each day brings with it a cacophony of trials, each very small in the grand scheme of things, but effervescent in nature. They boil up from within because we tend to suppress minor problems until they become to irritating to ignore. A small scratch becomes an infected sore if not cleaned up early. Some people say, Don’t sweat the little things! That may be true on one level, but I feel the little things are best solved early, then set aside so as not to accumulate into a brow furrowing affair.
Part of the path I’m on now is a new awakening, a discovery of who I truly want to be. Everybody has an idealized view of their life and where their going, but wishes and reality do not always come together in a clear and concise package. Dream Big they say, Follow Your Dream or Stand Tall! These phrases and others are intended to illicit an inspirational response in people. To bad it wont always work for everyone, including myself.
I think I’m my biggest fan, and detractor. I can bring myself to the edge of pain and despair, wandering aimlessly thru the day with nothing but a bad moment stuck in my thoughts, or I can feel nothing but joy and hope for a better future, lost in thought all day with no distraction to alter my mood. I even have days filled with both, fighting against each other for the supremacy of my soul.
Yes, the human mind is assuredly the most complex computer there is, one prone to memory failures, hard drive crashes, data loss and power failure. Each day we are forced to reboot ourselves, trying to look at life from a clean angle without the combat of peace and hope giving way to indifference or insecurity. Ever hopeful we find purpose in this day, something to assuage our fears. A reason why we are here.
As I burrow deeper into myself, I realize I may not be ready for someone in my life until I can put aside the past and realize who I am. I need to let go the pain and fears that have so controlled my being for so long, I need to find me.