It’s amazing what writing this blog has done for me. Before I started I was lost in all the thoughts running around in my head. A mass of confused and disjointed memories and painful feelings that had no structure, no order. As I write things down I get the chance to look at them as an outsider, turn them around to see if they look different from that angle. Writing allows you to reflect on things later and clarify your thoughts, place them into a more concise order. Through this medium I think I am coming to terms with many of the things that have prevented me from being happy and content.
As the picture clears on some things, others are still out of focus. I now understand why my father could not connect with me, and I bear no ill will towards him for it. I forgive my ex wife for cheating on me as she had many emotional problems she had no control over during our marriage. But still there are still some things that bother me greatly and I don’t know why.
A couple days ago I was driving in Pennsylvania on I84 when I had the realization come to me of why I have trouble making friends. I come on too strong and scare them off. I’m a high intensity person, my mind moves at a very fast pace and I tend to speak without waiting for a response. Some people say I don’t listen to them. It’s a habit I’m trying to get a handle on. I think, in part, I started this blog as a way to meet like minded people without coming at them full throttle, making myself slow down. So far, I think I’m succeeding.
Then something else happens. Just as I’m thinking this realization through, one of my worst fears almost came true. A beautiful doe and her spotted fawn ran out in the road in front of me. I really think my heart stopped at that moment. Even now as I write this my eyes tear up. I managed to stop in time, but I set there helplessly as the fawn ran back and forth in the lanes with the doe close behind trying to guide her baby to safety.
The fawn finally ran to the median and tried to go under the guardrail. When the fawn hit the rail and fell, I heard it cry out to it’s mother. My heart sank as it got up and ran in front of oncoming traffic, barely making it across the highway. Then the doe made a run for it and made an incredible dash across. I bet the cars only missed her by inches.
When I realized they were safe, I started down the road again. I didn’t make it a mile and my hands started shaking violently. I had to pull over and stop for fear of crashing. What made me overreact that way? It wasn’t rational, and yet I had no control over it. I’ve seen animals hit by cars before. One day a couple weeks ago I counted over 25 hit deer in one day of driving. I have hit cats, squirrels and other small animals before. I always felt really bad, but nothing like this.
It’s strange how something like this can have such a strong impact on my life. If I was starving, I know I could shoot that doe. I’m a very good shot and she would not suffer. But that’s the only reason I would. I’m not a hunter, but I have no problems with others who are. It’s a part of life that animals are used as a food source. If done humanely, it doesn’t bother me at all. But to hit a mother and her baby, that would take me a long time to get over, even if it wasn’t my fault.
Nature is full of cruelties. Animals, including fawns are killed and consumed by other animals all the time. “The circle of life” as they say. I guess I empathize with animals so strongly because they have no understanding of the dangers of roads or cars. No way for us to teach them how to stay safe, unlike humans and their children. I think I’m a modern day “Grizzly Adams” or other such men who value the true majesty that is all around us, and hate to see animals die for no reason.
I’ll be happy when I’m finally living on my future boat, away from the highways, at peace with nature. I can’t wait till the first time I see dolphins swimming in my bow waves. The first tired birds stopping by to rest before continuing to shore. The first whale surfacing for a deep breath before diving to the depths below. The first sunset while anchored off a small island with no one around but the weird guy with his dog. That will be heaven on earth for me.