We steal to lose every color
From the sky
Then crawl as a child
While the shadows burn our eyes
We know there’s no longer shine
On this burned out rainbow
Lately it seems we’ve been chasing
What times resolved
Maybe something means nothing here
Whispers are now screams
This conclusion never ends
My pride with your kiss
Even angels can’t defend
We know we’re running head on
Into our confusion
Still we hide safe behind these crumbled walls
Cause we know there’s nothing here after all
After All – Collective Soul
I think this is perhaps my very favorite song. I never grow tired of hearing it and it gives me the same thoughts and feelings every time. Like many other people, it’s the story of my life. It’s like looking through a window into everything I have ever felt, wondered, sensed or dreamed. Every hope, prayer, wish or path that has been crushed by reality, laid bare over the coarse of time. It’s me accepting my fate, understanding my place in this world.
I’m never going to be rich, never going to be famous, I’m never going to travel the world and visit all the places I dreamed about. I’m never going to have a dad, at least not like I needed growing up. I’ll never be able to make up for the mistakes of my past, resolve differences with people I have wronged, say I’m sorry to those I have hurt. Never be able to change what has happened.
This may sound like someone feeling sorry for themselves, crying out for some kind of redemption or forgiveness, but you’d be wrong. This is me taking a deep breath, and diving head first into the rest of my life. I can’t change the past, but I can change the future. I can no longer live with the burden of my misgivings and past sins. I have to let them go.
Even in the last few days I have tried to come up with ways to redeem myself, plans to help others before myself. I realize I am of no use to anyone until I forgive myself. I can’t hope to give to others what I don’t have for myself, and that’s love. I must follow my simple plan, continue to find out who I am. Follow my new found passions, photography and writing, and see where they go. I have a feeling that when I get to my sailboat, both are going to blossom. (Thanks Osyth for your encouragement!)
I found a sailboat today that would be perfect for my plans. I have no money to purchase it right now, but I will. Right now I am paying, literally, for my past lifestyle. Here’s the short story. I have never hidden my past drug use from anyone. I regret it, but it’s part of who I am. I hid my pain behind a crumbling wall, trying to find solace instead of facing my fears head on. I was young and naive. It also led to my taking very poor care of myself.
I now live with alot of pain from injuries and abuse of my body. I had many dental issues over the years resulting in some tooth loss. This came to a head last year when I had 22 teeth pulled in 1 hour. That was a difficult day in more ways then one. Last week I had 4 more pulled and had a partial made for the bottom and a new plate for the top. This week has been very bad with intense pain and sores that come with new dental work. For that mistake in my life, I am paying my dues.
It’s easy to feel bad for yourself when all you have is pain and sorrow, but it wont last. The pain will ebb, the sorrow will subside, and then your left with the remainder of your time on earth. What you strive for is who you are, what you achieve is a measure of your will. The fact that you never gave up, is a testament to the power of the human spirit.
Oh, and that boat? It was only $7500.00! I’m paying that for all my dental work! I can do this, I can save the money by next spring. That boat may not be there, but there are others. I MUST NEVER STOP, never grow tired, never again give in to weakness or dwell on the past. I have to keep my simple goals first and foremost in my sights. I have to believe Something means something here after all!