Something Means Nothing Here After All

We steal to lose every color
From the sky
Then crawl as a child
While the shadows burn our eyes

We know there’s no longer shine
On this burned out rainbow

Lately it seems we’ve been chasing
What times resolved
Maybe something means nothing here
After all

Whispers are now screams
This conclusion never ends
My pride with your kiss
Even angels can’t defend

We know we’re running head on
Into our confusion

Still we hide safe behind these crumbled walls
Cause we know there’s nothing here after all

After All – Collective Soul

I think this is perhaps my very favorite song.  I never grow tired of hearing it and it gives me the same thoughts and feelings every time.  Like many other people, it’s the story of my life.  It’s like looking through a window into everything I have ever felt, wondered, sensed or dreamed.  Every hope, prayer, wish or path that has been crushed by reality, laid bare over the coarse of time.  It’s me accepting my fate, understanding my place in this world.

I’m never going to be rich, never going to be famous, I’m never going to travel the world and visit all the places I dreamed about.  I’m never going to have a dad, at least not like I needed growing up.  I’ll never be able to make up for the mistakes of my past, resolve differences with people I have wronged, say I’m sorry to those I have hurt.  Never be able to change what has happened.

This may sound like someone feeling sorry for themselves, crying out for some kind of redemption or forgiveness, but you’d be wrong.  This is me taking a deep breath, and diving head first into the rest of my life.  I can’t change the past, but I can change the future.  I can no longer live with the burden of my misgivings and past sins.  I have to let them go.

Even in the last few days I have tried to come up with ways to redeem myself, plans to help others before myself.  I realize I am of no use to anyone until I forgive myself.  I can’t hope to give to others what I don’t have for myself, and that’s love.  I must follow my simple plan, continue to find out who I am.  Follow my new found passions, photography and writing, and see where they go.  I have a feeling that when I get to my sailboat, both are going to blossom.  (Thanks Osyth for your encouragement!)

I found a sailboat today that would be perfect for my plans.  I have no money to purchase it right now, but I will.  Right now I am paying, literally, for my past lifestyle.  Here’s the short story.  I have never hidden my past drug use from anyone.  I regret it, but it’s part of who I am.  I hid my pain behind a crumbling wall, trying to find solace instead of facing my fears head on.  I was young and naive.  It also led to my taking very poor care of myself.

I now live with alot of pain from injuries and abuse of my body.  I had many dental issues over the years resulting in some tooth loss.  This came to a head last year when I had 22 teeth pulled in 1 hour.  That was a difficult day in more ways then one.  Last week I had 4 more pulled and had a partial made for the bottom and a new plate for the top.  This week has been very bad with intense pain and sores that come with new dental work.  For that mistake in my life, I am paying my dues.

It’s easy to feel bad for yourself when all you have is pain and sorrow, but it wont last.  The pain will ebb, the sorrow will subside, and then your left with the remainder of your time on earth.  What you strive for is who you are, what you achieve is a measure of your will.  The fact that you never gave up, is a testament to the power of the human spirit.

Oh, and that boat?  It was only $7500.00!  I’m paying that for all my dental work!  I can do this, I can save the money by next spring.  That boat may not be there, but there are others.  I MUST NEVER STOP, never grow tired, never again give in to weakness or dwell on the past.  I have to keep my simple goals first and foremost in my sights.  I have to believe Something means something here after all!


21 thoughts on “Something Means Nothing Here After All

  1. Cool song 🙂 I’ve never heard it before. What type of boat did you find?? What types of boats are you looking at recently?
    Never give up on traveling and seeing all of those places you want to see. You never know what’s in store in this life – from the very little I know it seems we have some things in our pasts in common – I have seen my life do a 180 in the past five years and I am still amazed at the incredible blessings that I NEVER thought possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like you’re in a good place right now. Learn from the past and look to the future, I have no doubt that with your positive attitude, determination and courage that boat will be yours. Sail on friend … love the song too!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You didn’t need to thank me – I do what I do, say what I say because I want to. But f course I do thank you for including a nod to my nonsensical version of wisdom. This is a profound and moving piece. I’m sorry your mouth has been so sore and that it has had to have so much work but the soreness will fade where your dreams get stronger. That boat may not be there in Spring but you are right, there will be others. And this dream of yours, this won’t be a dream it will be a reality. You have set loose so much of the sadness that weighed you down and you will be able to set sail and you know I will be beckoning from a distant shore because I am very very proud to know you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your very kind and humble. Without your encouragement I would have quit awhile ago. I think I’ve set achievable short term goals for the he next 2 to 3 years that will put me on the path I feel is the next part of my life. I should be living on the boat in 2 years, and ready for longer passages a year later. First long passage, France of course!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Perfect timing – in 2 years I will be permanently back in France having done what looks like another year here from next Summer. I am a great beleiver in Kismet. I encourage because I believe in you and I want to – it is lovely to be recognised for something that is just right and proper in my little head! The Bean says hi to Vinny …. she has an important role in my next post so watch out for that one 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Mouth/teeth pain is the worse pain I’ve ever experienced in my life….. I feel/felt you pain.. and now.. moving forward like you have written! Yay!

    Liked by 1 person

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