I Have A Confession To Make

This post is a nod to Ziggy’s mom.  I was there too.

Reverend, Reverend is this some conspiracy?
Crucified for no sins
An image beneath me
Whats within our plans for life
It all seems so unreal
I’m a man couldn’t have feel this world
Left in my misery

The Reverend he turned to me
Without a tear in his eyes
It’s nothing new for him to see
I didn’t ask him why
I will remember
The love our souls had
Sworn to make
Now I watch the falling rain
All my mind can see
Now is your (face)

Well I guess
You took my youth
I gave it all away
Like the birth of a
New-found joy
This love would end in rage
And when she died
I couldn’t cry
The pride within my soul
You left me incomplete
Overload as the memories now unfold.

Believe the word
I will unlock my door
And pass the
Cemetery gates

Sometimes when I’m alone
I wonder aloud
If you’re watching over me
Some place far abound
I must reverse my life
I can’t live in the past
Then set my soul free
Belongs to me at last

Through all those
Complex years
I thought I was alone
I didn’t care to look around
And make this world my own
And when she died
I should’ve cried and spared myself some pain
Left me incomplete
All alone as the memories still remain

The way we were
The chance to save my soul
And my concern is now in vain
Believe the word
I will unlock my door
And pass the cemetery gates

The way we were
The chance to save my soul
And my concern is now in vain
Believe the word
I will unlock my door
And pass the cemetery gates

Cemetery Gates – Pantera

Beneath this overfed, follicly challenged,  James Taylor quoting exterior, I am still a headbanger.  I came of age in the late seventies and the early eighties and bands like AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Ozzy Osborne and others were the hard rockin groups I gravitated to.  1980 was the first year I started using drugs and the culture went with it.  Because I was socially inept, I fit in with others like me who were also of the same cut of cloth.  The same self doubting, self deprecating teenagers that were outcast by our classmates.  Those were hard years.

Looking back, I think most people’s idea of the “Metal” culture was based on an outsider looking in.  They don’t like the music and immediately judged the groups as degenerates, druggies, deadbeats or lost souls.   In most cases, nothing could be further from the truth.  Did you read the lyrics above?  Are they not very beautiful?  Can you not feel the emotion they exude?  If it was set to a country or a pop theme, would you think differently about the song?  Many people would.

I was there for the beginning of the “Goth” culture.  I started wearing all black in my late teens and dated a goth girl at 20.  I wrote about April in another post.  I can’t fully explain my attraction to her.  She was beautiful, but it was more than superficial.

She had a way of speaking, an incredible voice that filled my ears with a perfect feminine grace unmatched by all other women I had met.  When she walked it was sublime and cat like, every step smooth as silk. I must admit, I have judged all the women in my life against her.  Probably not a good idea!

gothic-girlIf I close my eyes, I can still see her telling me it was over.  Here we are, 31 years later, and I can’t look at a woman without thinking of her.  I had a connection with her that has never been matched.

We were young and daring, full of life and a feeling of invincibility.  We lived recklessly with no thought to what comes next, no thought of what the future holds.  Even now I know I loved her with every fiber of my soul.  Yes I was young, but to this day I have never felt the same.  She saw her path in a different direction.  Such is life.

Years later when I met Christine and got married, I started to settle down some.  We were complete opposites and to this day I’m not sure why I married her.  I guess I didn’t want to be alone.  She didn’t like metal or my friends, so I went along to get along.  I stopped bringing friends over and started listening to many genres of music.  I soon discovered I liked many types of music.  From British pop to classical, my tastes grew into the acceptance of something other than what I called the norm.  Bach to Howard Jones, Chopin to Cyndi Lauper, I love them all.

What inspired this post was the song “Cemetery Gates” on my radio today.  I have a thumb drive in the radio with about 400 of my favorite songs on it, and it came up this afternoon right when I was getting tired.  With just the first few chords I new the song and it lifted my spirits immensely.  Nothing like Pantera to send Vinny running for the bunk, and John cranking the radio full blast!  Oh to be 20 again.  I miss you April.


8 thoughts on “I Have A Confession To Make

  1. She sounds like a dream. 🙂 Makes you wonder what happened to her. Wonder if she’s still cat-walking around, or if she “ungothed” and became a lawyer or a mother… Great post! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I actually found her a few years ago. She has a studio in western maine making handmade silver gothic jewelry just like when i knew her. We corresponded several times by email, but she is married with 2 kids. I think she was uncomfortable due to hubby so i wished her well and stopped.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. She obviously got under your skin. Thanks for the snippet into your past. Now to look ahead to what lies beyond … lots of new adventures and you never know, maybe a new love to boot. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is fun to reminisce and be nostalgic about old loves. It sounds like her path was destined only to cross yours for a short but lovely time. It is time you got out and dated a real woman!! Match, E Harmony – so many to choose from.

    Liked by 1 person

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