Frozen

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

You’re so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You’re broken
When your heart’s not open

Mm, if I could melt your heart
Mm, we’d never be apart
Mm, give yourself to me
Mm, you hold the key

Now there’s no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

Mm, if I could melt your heart
Mm, we’d never be apart
Mm, give yourself to me
Mm, you hold the key

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

Mm, if I could melt your heart
Mm, we’d never be apart
Mm, give yourself to me
Mm, you hold the key

Mm, if I could melt your heart
Mm, we’d never be apart
Mm, give yourself to me
Mm, you hold the key

If I could melt your heart

Frozen – Madonna

What is it about 2 or 3 in the morning? Why does inspiration hit me when I’m trying to sleep? Was I dreaming about something and don’t remember? A weird fact about me…I can’t remember a single dream from my entire life! How strange is that! Not one little piece. Weird guy indeed. Well at least the dog is sleeping.

Like I wrote before, putting yourself out there on a blog is a reward and a curse at the same time. Spilling your guts to the world, opening up old wounds, showing your weak side, allowing others to see into your dark fears, it takes alot of effort to not close up shop, put away my toys and say goodbye. Like you said Osyth, “Self doubt is without doubt (double use intended) the most eroding of conditions.” I could not agree more. I have lived with this my entire life, though I never realized it until I started writing.

Imagine a tank of acid with a leak. One drop at a time falls onto the supports holding up the tank. Over time the supports get weaker and weaker, eventually they fail and the tank falls. Self doubt slowly eats away at your supports. Over time you start to give in to the doubt, leaning further over, putting more strain on your weak side. It’s a self perpetuating spiral into despair. I used to mask it with drug use, and now I have to be careful not to go the other way into alcohol. We all have a “Crutch” we use to prop ourselves up, you just need to find one that is safe.

Every disappointment in life is compounded when you live with doubt, every time you fail at something you analyze it to death trying to spot the mistake. By doing so you only make it worse, forever moving in a circle back to where you started from. Frozen.

How am I going to thaw this out? Knowing you have a problem is half the cure, right? When you can look at yourself honestly through the eyes of others, you see a picture of someone frozen in time. Unable to break out of the cycle, you make the same mistakes over and over. You trust the wrong people, you say the wrong things, you hope for something you know wont happen. Then when things go wrong, you want to just go away and hide from the world.

When your frozen your immobile, stuck in the same rut you’ve been in for years. Spinning your wheels and getting nowhere you wonder what you need to do to change the outcome, alter your course. I think what I need to do is to keep doing what I’m doing. I need to continue putting myself out there, continue opening my heart and see where it takes me. Since I have not deleted this blog in the last week, I may be able to overcome this. I came very close to doing just that last night.

But that was the way I always did things, and I need to change. I’m not going to let irrational fears control me. I’m not going to give in to worry about what others think. I’m going to listen more closely to my heart instead of my insecure mind. I need to ignore the opinions of those that only cloud my thinking, climb out of the abyss of conforming to values I don’t believe in. I need to be honest with myself.

Last night I was disappointed. Something I wanted failed to happen and I felt the same old urge to pull back, disengage from everything and regroup. Not this time, I’m making a stand now for my sake.

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
If You’re frozen

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23 thoughts on “Frozen

  1. You’re brave and strong, two things that will aid you on your journey. I hope you continue to write, in a strange way you provide at least me with a connection to something I lost. And I find truth in your words too. We do become ‘Frozen’ if we give into the fear. Good on ya for continuing to dare to believe and dream and hope. Vinnie has a great master!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve told you before …. its the Catch 22 of the creative spirit – it tends to be brittle, it tends to lack confidence, it tends to be governed by self doubt all of which, in turn spawn the great work that people relate to. YOu are a talented man – a gifted writer if you let yourself be …. that analogy of acid dripping from the tank is absolutely transfixing. And the crutches? How many writers turned to drugs, how many more to alcohol – too many to count, I know. But you are self-aware now and you don’t need to give in every time something knocks you sideways and you do know how to keep the leak of acid plugged. Part of that battle is reaching out here and I will always take your hand and hold you steady til you feel you are strong enough to walk again. I will happily be your alcohol substitute (and I don’t preach sobriety by the way, just moderation as in all things). Keep nursing that spirit of yours … you have SO much to give and I will help Vinny to hold you up when you are faltering. Deal?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Friendship is a precious two-way street. I have few friends in reality … don’t let many in which is a shocker to the many that think of me as gregarious but those that are given shelter, I am extremely loyal too. Much like a dog actually! 🐶

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m struggling too with so many things but reading all your heartfelt, honest and emotional posts and feeling the strength and resilience in you gives me hope. Take care my friend and keep on keeping on.

    Liked by 1 person

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