Lately, Seems I’ve Been Chasing What Times Resolved

That line is from my favorite song and it holds even more meaning to me today. I’m going to see my father at the psychiatric ward in a major hospital in Maine. 

He has been brought here twice in the last week from a nursing home I finally got him placed in due to violent outbursts. His dementia has taken over almost all rational thought, and paranoia has moved in. 

He feels trapped by locked doors and nobody is going to stop him from leaving. Last night he started throwing things, got hold of a cane and threatened staff so he had to be removed by police and an ambulance. 

This morning at the hospital he became violent again and had to be physically restrained and sedated. This may end up being the balance of his life on this earth…drugged to the point of compliance, halfway between life and death.

My relationship with my father has been strained, even hostile at times, but he’s my father and I will protect him as best I can till the end, I will not dessert him.

As I sit in his room wathching him sleep I feel the enormity of my loss, the depth of his suffering. It’s now to late to have a real relationship with him, time has resolved that hope.It’s almost time to say goodbye.


14 thoughts on “Lately, Seems I’ve Been Chasing What Times Resolved

  1. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It happens to so many of us now. Remember that this is a deterioration of brain function and although he may have had a distinct personality before dementia, it is not really anything to do with how he feels about you or anyone else. My mother in law had become quite aggressive but the right staff and meds turned her into a pussycat.

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  2. I ache for your loss …. I hope that they are able to balance him a little better – whatever happens, you must not beat yourself up for the lost times … we none of us carry a convenient crystal ball and therefore we must not look in that rear view mirror and pick up on the should’ve and would’ve and could’ve. Instead it is essential that we accept that there were good times, we did do our best when we got a grip and grew up a bit and that in his heart, your daddy loves you very much as you do him. Go gently, my friend, gently on yourself.

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  3. Thinking of you and hope your day will get better.. Dad’s are special … your with him now and that’s important.. you’re doing all you can… be gentle with yourself.. stay well friend… and the sun is shining here in Maine (as you know!) that’s a good thing..

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