I’m So Tired

I’m so tired, I haven’t slept a wink
I’m so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No, no, no

I’m so tired I don’t know what to do
I’m so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do

You’d say I’m putting you on
But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm
You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain
You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane
You know I’d give you everything I’ve got
For a little peace of mind

I’m so tired, I’m feeling so upset
Although I’m so tired I’ll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid git

You’d say I’m putting you on
But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm
You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain
You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane
You know I’d give you everything I’ve got
For a little peace of mind
I’d give you everything I’ve got
For a little peace of mind
I’d give you everything I’ve got
For a little peace of mind

I’m So Tired – The Beatles

I’m sitting at a TA truck stop in Minneapolis for the next two days, but not by choice. My dispatcher neglected to verify my delivery date and time with the receiver and the company is closed until Monday for the holiday. While he sits at home and enjoys his weekend I sit here with nothing but the other poor drivers in this nasty place far from home. Such is the life of a truck driver.

The drive here was indeed beautiful, lush fields and picturesque farms dotting the landscape. My mind tends to wander as I travel along, images of quiet retreats shadowed only by natures canopy instead of unnatural man made blemishes. Dreams of valleys and mountains as far as one can see overtake my soul. I am forced to tell myself…”hold true the dream, just a little longer.”

As best I can guess I have driven over 1,300,000 miles so far in my career. Each one of those miles is a moment in time I cannot recover, many moments I wish to relive. The thought of those images is my driving force that keeps me going every time I suffer another disrespectful slight or falsehood thrust upon me by inconsiderate people. The thought of future time spent pausing beside those spots is the only thing I am working for.

As of now I am at the pinnacle of my driving life. I drive a very nice truck, I’m making more money than I ever have, yet I grow more and more frustrated each passing day. The effort needed to maintain my professional composure is like holding back the wall of a great dam. All my fingers and toes have filled the small holes and cracks in that wall, yet my unhappiness pulls at me attempting to force my premature release. I must hold on a little longer, I must “en devour to persevere.” (I love that line from The Outlaw Josie Wales!)

Each day another load, each day another 600 miles of my life falling by the roadside like the dust from these old timbers. And like these timbers my life will be renewed in the near future, my time repurposed into something beautiful. I will cut away the rot and decay of an existence that is boxed in by all that society demands, let go the burden of time constraints and deadlines. I will be free.

I will be free to travel the back roads of this great nation and soak up all I have passed by at highway speeds. Lose myself in a singular moment such as a simple bridge over a country stream. Park my Jeep and sit by it’s banks with my feet in the cool water for an hour or so just because. Oh how I long for that release.

Spend hours with my best friend running in an open field or splashing in the water instead of hours of droning engine noise and short walks in dusty lots. Trying to find the smallest patch of green while walking through truck stops that smell of urine, careful to avoid what may be lying in the grass. This is no life for man nor his best friend, this I must escape or give up I shall.

Gifts from friends buoy my spirits, assuage the loneliness of the road. A fine wine is like a gift from heaven, the soothing taste of natures bounty in a form produced by skillful hands. The nuance of taste and olfactory stimulation lead one down the road of comfort and peace. Thank you Chad for thinking of me, it really helps to know I am not alone in this world of discomfort.

Like my friend Chad (click to see his website) I dreamed of going to sea and placing my future on the will of Poseidon and the strength of a quality sailboat. I know now my dreams have been dashed on the rocks of reality as I will never have the funds necessary to procure a boat of sufficient worth to pursue that dream. As hard as that is to accept I know it to be true. Still, the dream of self sufficiency can be had on land as well as the sea, and so my plan goes forth.

My worth in this world is not measured by the people I influence nor the goals achieved. Miles traveled and loads delivered hold no sway over my sense of accomplishment. Many people can do the same as I in the world of trucking, but none can see the world through my eyes. My worth in this world will be to present my vision of life in a way that brings you into my campsite, gives you the same feeling I get with a perfect sunrise. If I can accomplish that then all my troubles will be worth it.