I have been struggling alot lately and the words have not come forth to my conciseness to be placed on the screen to allow me to express how I feel. Between the trials of a job I can barely stand one more day, to the recent troubles in the health of my aging mother, my strength is being pushed ever further towards my limits. Yet through it all I see a shimmer of faith in my future that cannot be denied, a glimpse of hope that this too shall pass and I will overcome all as I always have.
Even with the reminder of tomorrow being one year to the day when I had to say goodbye to my best furry friend of almost 18 years as he drew his last breath in my lap, I hold on to the feeling that each day is a blessing no matter what. If you look closely you can find beauty in each sunrise, promise in each sunset. But most of all I have faith in me.
My mother has a very strong religious faith that carries her forward, buoy’s her spirit with the hope of something better soon. With each hard to watch setback in her health, I see her determination to maintain that faith being tested. Cracks appear in the will of one of the strongest people I have ever known, but she does not give up. A lesson before my eyes I will not shy away from, I will not turn away from the truth of this moment.
I see others in my family with their own problems, each coping with their own individual strengths and weaknesses, and they never give up either. We push on with the faith of our convictions, with the hopes of something better brought on by our own will or whatever you draw on to give you the means to continue the fight. I’ve said it before, I think life is a test that we must not fail.
There is no room for second best, especially in your own eyes. If you fail to give it your all, if you give in to the pressures of a world full of haters and crooks, thieves and liars, then you let them win and you will live a life of pain and remorse. I for one cannot let this happen. I will fight with all I have to keep the upper hand against the daily onslaught of trials that befall us all. My spirit is buoyed by the promise of sunrise against a mountain peak, the feel of a clear running stream as it flows through my hands. A walk with my present furry friend along a wooded trail, the gentle nudge as her nose touches my hand.
My faith lies in the knowledge that I have wasted so much time before now in the pursuit of things I neither needed nor really wanted in the name of acceptance from others, while denying my true self that belongs in the open spaces of nature. I am approximately 29 weeks away from my goal of living the way I feel I should, 29 weeks away from finding out if my faith is well founded or if this is just a dream. We shall see…