Just A Song Before I Go

Just a song before I go,
To whom it may concern
Traveling twice the speed of sound
It’s easy to get burned

When the shows were over
We had to get back home,
And when we opened up the door
I had to be alone

She helped me with my suitcase,
She stands before my eyes
Driving me to the airport,
And to the friendly skies

Going through security
I held her for so long
She finally looked at me in love,
And she was gone

Just a song before I go,
A lesson to be learned
Traveling twice the speed of sound
It’s easy to get burned

Just A Song Before I Go – Crosby, Stills & Nash

I intended to wait till this weekend to change to the new blog, but something told me to end this part of my life tonight. For those of you that have been with me from the start, you have seen me bare my soul, commit to my mistakes, apologized the best I could for everything I have done. You supported me when my father died, comforted me as I stood alone and buried him. Shared funny stories about yourselves, and laughed at mine. You have all become the best friends I have ever had, even though we have never met in person.

So now I start the rest of my life, free from my past and all the hardships. I think I can finally let go of that part of me but still hold dear the lessons I have learned. I go now to my future with a renewed sense of joy and wonder, a feeling of accomplishment for having shared with many all the demons within that I feared to deal with alone. A mighty weight has been lifted from me and I think I may just be able to forgive myself now. I know one things for sure, I can no longer carry around the emotional baggage I have been struggling with for so long, and still lead a happy life.

And so I end this blog with one last song before I go, to whom it may concern, traveling twice the speed of sound, how many times I was burned. Now the show is over, I’m going to my new home, and when I open up the door, I’ll never be alone.

Your Friend, John

PS: Here’s the link to the new blog. I hope to see you all there.

It’s Christmas In Maine

I started today just east of Harrisburg Pa, drove to Lewiston Maine and dropped the load I had on. I then drove to Bethel Maine to pick up the next one. By the time I arrived I did not have enough time to get to a truck stop for dinner so I’ll have to stay here. Here is a sawmill in western Maine, far from any store or restaurant, tucked away in nothing but a parking lot. Not what I had planned but this is trucking.

But lets take stock of the situation. I enjoyed a great sunset and a spooky ride through the mist on the way to Bethel. Vinny and I dine on “Beefaroni” and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and it tastes as good as any gourmet meal I have had. It’s not very cold tonight so I will leave the heat off, the windows cracked, throw on an extra blanket and sleep with thoughts of the stars above and the sound of the wind in the trees.

It’s times like this I remember how much I have, how silly it is to complain about the little things that cause us inconvenience. There are so many that will be hungry tonight, no warm bed to sleep in, no friends to share their lives with. I have these things and more. All is good in my world tonight and I’m thankful. Goodnight Maine.

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I’m A Creep

When you were here before,
Couldn’t look you in the eye,
You’re just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry,

You float like a feather,
In a beautiful world,
I wish I was special,
You’re so very special.[Chorus:]

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.

I don’t care if it hurts,
I want to have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul,

I want you to notice,
When I’m not around,
You’re so very special,
I wish I was special.[Chorus:]

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.

She’s running out again,
She’s running out…
She run run run run…
Run…

Whatever makes you happy,
You’re so very special,
I wish I was special…

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here,
I don’t belong here.

Creep – Radiohead

I soooo relate to this song. This is the story of my life, the terribly awkward interactions I have with most people, especially women. Let’s be honest, I have had only 5 serious relationships in my 51 years, and one was my marriage that ended in divorce. I guess I should be proud of the fact I wasn’t a playboy, always looking for the next conquest. But that’s not the only truth to be told, the real truth is I really don’t like most people.

Even as a young boy I would always search out the hidden places, the spots where I could remove myself from society as a whole. The dark corners where my imagination could run free without the feeling of someone watching or judging me. As I grew into a teenager I came out of it to some degree. I was able to at least interact with small groups of like minded kids but in large crowds my anxiety was palpable. To this day I don’t feel comfortable in groups of more than 5 or 10 people, and if I go to a bar or restaurant I always get a corner seat.

I feel my best when I’m alone or with my dog Vinny. He truly is this mans best friend. You may think that is silly or even sad, but he is not judgemental, he’s always happy to see me, always ready to play or just hang. Never holds a grudge, knows when I’m sad, comforting and true. All the things I’ve never found in people. And yet, I’ve not given up hope, ever in search of a few people I can really relate to, true friends. In the cyber world of blogging, I think I have found a few.

Even though I have never physically met any of you, I FEEL your presence when I read your posts, when you comment on mine. I can see through your eyes when you talk of days filled with hope and joy, beauty and kindness. When I look at your photo’s I see what you saw, I’m standing beside you. I wish I could snap my fingers and we could all be together for an afternoon, sharing stories and sharing our time. Maybe someday we can.

Here’s to you Osyth, your the reason I’m still posting. Without your words of encouragement I would have walked away before now. Of all the people I have met through this blog, you are the one I WILL meet someday, and give you a hug…if mb2 doesn’t mind!

To my Outback friend Miriam, if I make it to the south pacific as I hope I will you can bet I will stop to see you. You have been following me almost from the beginning and that says alot. We both share a great joy of camping and being outside, and I look forward to your pictures around the campfire. Someday we will share the same fire.

To my sis Jessica, you seem like such a wonderfully spontaneous and naturally kind person. I’m floored by your outlook on life and dealing with the daily crap we all must face. I’ll bet you haven’t cursed once in your life! Your very sweet and genuine and maybe we can meet when I sail down the coast sometime soon.

And then there’s Kerry! You are so much fun! I will stop by when I sail to Louisiana and we can share dinner on my boat with you and your husband…if you dare! Not everybody feels comfortable on the water, so we can always stay at the dock. Anytime spent with you would be a joy.

There are many more, and I hope you don’t feel slighted, but these four friends have been there from the start. Always with a comment, words of encouragement and true kindness. That’s something I have not had alot of in my life and I thank you.

Beautiful Day

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There’s no room
No space to rent in this town

You’re out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you’re not moving anywhere

You thought you’d found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It’s a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It’s a beautiful day
Don’t let it get away

You’re on the road
But you’ve got no destination
You’re in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You’re lovin’ this town
Even if that doesn’t ring true
You’ve been all over
And it’s been all over you

It’s a beautiful day
Don’t let it get away
It’s a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I’m not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don’t let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I’m not a hopeless case

What you don’t have you don’t need it now
What you don’t know you can feel it somehow
What you don’t have you don’t need it now
Don’t need it now
Was a beautiful day

Beautiful Day – U2

Thanks Natalie for the inspiration for this post!

Another holiday spent on the road. I do it so another driver with a wife and kids won’t have to. Freight still needs to move no matter the day, and I drove over 600 miles again. I’m back in the truck after a disappointing meal at a truck stop, but upon reflection it was still a beautiful day…

It started bright and cheerful

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I stopped midday to walk Vinny and stretch my legs

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He had to sniff everything!

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I saw this vine growing in the fence, it reminded me of how life can be…

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Vinny got to bark at people walking by

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And I was treated to a spectacular sunset!

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It was a beautiful day…Don’t let it get away.

Logical

This post inspired by Jessica at Unmeasured Journeys! Thanks Sis!

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they’d be singing so happily,
Joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
Logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
Clinical, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world’s asleep,
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man.
Won’t you please, please tell me what we’ve learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.

Now watch what you say or they’ll be calling you a radical,
Liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won’t you sign up your name, we’d like to feel you’re
Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!

At night, when all the world’s asleep,
The questions run so deep
For such a simple man.
Won’t you please, please tell me what we’ve learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.

The Logical Song – Supertramp

I’ve spent much of my life alone, even as a child. Some might say it was a bad thing, but I don’t look at it that way. I think the time I spent alone has in some ways taught me to be fiercely independent, cool headed, self sufficient and willing to do what it takes to get what I want. But I admit, this was not always the case. There was a time when I felt scared, helpless, unwanted and unworthy.

The one constant in my life has been my love for nature. As a child I would spend endless hours at an old military fort by my home, climbing on the rocks, looking for crabs in the tidal pools and exploring the underground bunkers. I wrote about it here. As I grew I followed a path that led to much confusion and pain, trying to find my way in a world I was ill prepared for, looking for something I could not fathom. This post says it all!

As I reflect on my past I realize if things had been different, had I followed another path, I would not be who I am now. I’m happy with who I am, I just wish I could have figured it out sooner! Nevertheless, I am at a point in my life that most things are good, my path is clearly visible. My goals are reasonable and achievable. Gone are the days of youth, with thoughts of grandeur and conquest. Unreasonable expectations I feel many people have about how they are going to “Change the world” or other such pursuits. There are those that will succeed, but many will spend a lifetime in a quest that will end in despair.

I think life is a gift, something to be cherished not forsaken. Every sunrise the beginning of your last day, every sunset the last rays of life giving radiance to bath your face.  Every meal the last taste of what the earth has to offer, every smile from a stranger the last grasp at goodwill to all. Every accomplishment the satisfaction of a job well done, every heartache the knowing of what loss is. Each of these things make us who we are, each a small piece of the person we have become. It just seems logical to me.

Tainted vision, restored faith

This was the 4th post I wrote on this blog. As I read these words again I still feel the same a year later. With the help of the friends I have now, the grip of my past is almost gone.

Weird Guy With The Dog

I have lived the last few years with tainted vision.  My outlook an most things has been cynical and even hostile.  I think part of that is the fact its only been ten years since I stopped using any “substances”.  I agree with the science that says usage from a young age retards your emotional abilities.  You tend to compartmentalize your problems instead of dealing with them at the time.  All the pain and anguish, however small, will build up inside you. You throw a blanket over the problems and wait for a better time to think about it, but that time never comes.  It’s a time bomb in your mind.

When you finally stop, HANG ON!  The floodgates open and you remember things from long ago you had stored away, hoping to forget.  You may be an adult, but it’s still allot to process.  You go through all the…

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365 Days Ago

 

1 Year Anniversary Achievement
Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!
You registered on WordPress.com one year ago.
Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.
Hard to believe its been a year.  This will be my 152nd post, and I’ve decided to continue to repost some of my first writings.  Many of these received no views when I wrote them as I had no followers yet, but they still feel very personal as I read them again.  I hope you enjoy them and thank you for being a part of my online life!

 

The Adventures Of SUPERDOG!

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Stupid humans! If they only knew how much they need me. By day, I’m just a spastic, bark at everything pet dog for a overfed, follicly challenged truck driver. But at night, I’m SUPERDOG!

Defender of all things stinky and gross, I travel this land in search of those in need of my special talents. Dog catchers cower at my feet with one whiff of my doggie breath. When the Vet comes at me with the “Glove” on, I fart in her general direction thereby causing temporary paralyses and striking fear in all who venture near!

A chorus of barks rises from the waiting room as I amble out of exam room 2, a smirk of satisfaction for a job well done. As I stand at the door, waiting for my stupid human, I growl out my warning, “None shall pass!” as other humans try to run away. “You will leave this room when I am ready to let you, not a moment sooner!”

I shall never rest until all dogs have savored the sweet smell of rancid trash. Urinated on trees and defecated in parking lots in all 57 states. Savored the sting of fire ant encrusted hot dogs from the grass of truck stops, and chased prairie dogs down holes in Denver.

I will teach all to rip the flesh off the fingers of those who would rob us, like I did on Long Island! Show you where to barf so it takes days for stupid humans to find it. Teach you how to Suck Up to get what you want. Humans are suckers for sad eyes!

And what do I require in return for my heroic actions? A scratch under the chin? A bowl of kibble? No, just the satisfaction of knowing that I, Vinny the Enforcer, have mastery over all humankind, even if their to stupid to see it!

PS: An introduction to Pattie Purebred down the street would be nice! Just drop me over the fence for an hour!  😉

 

Policy Of Truth

You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn’t you
Now you’re not satisfied
With what you’re being put through
It’s just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth

Policy Of Truth by Depeche Mode

The policy of truth is a blade used to smite the enemy, deceit. Used as a weapon, the veil of lies falls, exposing your soul to the light of truth. Used as a tool, the wool is sheared from our eyes giving us the ability to discern the best path.

As we examine the folly of our past, truth brings forward the realization of our shame. Shame for all the times lies were used to garner sympathy, to manipulate a gain. Ashamed at the selfish pursuit with disregard for others. Such is a drug addicts mind, deep in the despair. So strong the hold, lies overcome love of self, concern for family.

As we start to heal, the strength of the emotion becomes overpowering. We feel the pull of the ancient demon, calling out from the depths of our addiction, trying to pull us back to the comfort of numbness. Never shall we again fall victim to the sins of our past. The truth has set us free. Strong is our conviction, yet reminders of the past haunt our dreams.

Our policy of truth is the shield that protects us from all who would control our lives, including self. The beauty of it’s simplicity is the source of our strength. The policy of truth was not decided in our youth, we ignored it at that weak point. But now, through years of pain, years of despair, we see the truth for what it is. The only path forward.

Tumbledown In Winter

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Tumbledown Mt in Maine is just about my favorite place on Earth so far. I have many memories of camping trips beside and on top of this magical place. Years ago there used to be a huge party every Memorial Day weekend with hundreds of people at what’s called “Tumbledown Field” at the start of the Parker Ridge Trail. The first few years I went it was a great time, lot’s of nice people, loud music, 4×4 truck racing and sometimes a little to much drink, but everyone got along well and fun was had by all.

The last year of the party the word had “Got Out” about this party and many more people from other states showed up. At best count there were over 900 people there, and it didn’t take long for things to get out of hand. Many people were injured, cars burned, fights and domestic problems,  underage drinking and a lot of drugs. It was so crazy the State Police would not come in to the camping area, they just stayed out on the road and stopped anyone who came out. I wish it had been different, but that’s what happens with crowds, booze and drugs. Bad combination.

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http://www.mainetrailfinder.com/trails/trail/tumbledown-mountain-and-little-jackson

There were many fun times though. This is the place where I camped for a week without speaking a single word just to see if I could! I woke up next to this pond every day and felt like I was all alone on the Earth. As I write this I can still feel the way it was, a complete feeling of peace and tranquil bliss that I have never felt since. A pioneer searching for the perfect place to put down roots and build a new life. If I could I would build a small cabin and live there forever.

157649This is also a where I went camping one Christmas weekend with a young woman named April. We were just kids really, I think I was 19 or 20 at the time. I had a Jeep then and we packed it up with our gear and drove to the log shelter at Tumbledown Brook near the start of the Parker Ridge Trail and set up camp. I had stopped at the Ranger station before going in for a fire permit and so someone would know we were there for safety’s sake.

Christmas eve I tried to start my truck but the battery was dead. The nearest house was a 4 or 5 mile walk but we needed help, so off we went! We got to the road, then hitched a ride to the Ranger station. He brought us back to within a mile of our camp, and gave me a battery from one of his vehicles. I carried this 40lb slab of lead into the jeep, installed it, only to find it was to weak to start my truck. We called it a day, with the thought of trying again in the morning.

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http://www.mainetrailfinder.com/trails/trail/tumbledown-mountain-and-little-jackson

On Christmas Day, we started out again, but this time to the first house I could find. I remember stopping a few times because April did not have good boots and her feet started to get to cold. She would sit down and I would put her bare feet inside my coat to warm them up, then move on. When we arrived at the house, we must have been a sight! Dirty clothes, hadn’t showered in days and smelled pretty bad! I met the owner and his adult son at the door. They immediately invited us in, and I explained our situation.

I asked him if anyone was willing to come and jump start my truck so we could go home. He spoke with his son, a few of the other guests he had, then did something that to this day I still can’t believe. He gave me the keys to his truck and asked me to bring it back when I was done! Can you imagine giving a total stranger you vehicle?

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http://www.mainetrailfinder.com/trails/trail/tumbledown-mountain-and-little-jackson

April and I drove back to our camp, packed up and tried to start the truck, but still no luck. I hooked a chain to it and dragged it back to their house. The owners saw us coming, helped me hook up a charger to my truck, then brought us into their Christmas celebration. We spent the next 3 hours eating, drinking coffee, and answering questions from all their guests. They would not accept any money and said simple thanks were enough. That was one of the most important things to happen to me at that age as it showed me there were at least a few people worth knowing in this world.

1 (75) (Medium)I went back to that house Christmas Day 25 years later, and it was still the same family. They remembered me and April, invited me in and we spent an hour talking about our lives since then. They were just as nice as I had remembered them. It was a wonderful experience I will never forget.

The sad part of this story is my relationship with April. It wasn’t long after this that she told me it was “Just a fling” and she was gone. I know I was young, and people say it was just “Young Love” or some other dismissive statement, but it’s 30 years later and I still miss her. It was much more for me I guess that for her. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve and I see no reason to change. I believe in romance,  slow dancing and candlelight dinners under the stars. Holding hands while walking on the beach, not saying a word because we don’t need to. You just know when it’s right, and that’s how I felt. She will be with me to my dying day.