Somewhere I Belong

When this began,
I had nothing to say and
And I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find/that I’m
Not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel.(nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own.

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (Erase all the pain ’til it’s gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find That it’s
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
‘Cause I can’t justify the way everyone is looking at me.(
Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I’ve held so long(erase all the pain ’till it’s gone.)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know
myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything ’til I break away from me
And I will break away,
And find myself today

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain til it’s gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong.

I want to heal.
I want to feel like I’m,
Somewhere I belong, Somewhere I belong.

Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park

My search for somewhere I belong has been an apparition, a misty image viewed through a mind clouded by false hopes, poor choices, misguided goals and an unclear vision of how I wanted to live my life. For years I wandered from job to job, place to place, never finding anything that pulled me in, satiated my thirst for creativity. Through it all I held onto past grief and regret, never thinking anything through to completion to find an answer. The fault was my own.

As I’ve matured, and removed myself from the self destructive environment I lived in, I realized I’m not alone in my suffering. The desert of pain I wandered in for so long was actually full of others on the same quest for the life giving waters of release, the intentional letting go of the anchor holding us back from true happiness. We all share the same guilt and longing for exemption, all reaching for that feeling of walking away from one life and starting another. I think I’m almost there.

My sailboat is nothing but the vessel that will carry me to the next port in the long voyage that is my life. A kind of floating home that will shelter me from the storms, yet hold me in the light of forgiveness. A place where I can heal all the wounds of my soul and find my inner writer and photographer, a place to pull my creative side out into the view of all who will believe in me.

This blog and all the followers whose comments have been so inspirational to me, coupled with my will to find true peace, has been the lighthouse that has led me across the stormy seas to the sheltered harbor that will be my home very soon. My heart sings when I think of warm days basking in the sun, simple meals prepared by my own hands, and the comfort of my best friend by my side. That misty image is starting to come into focus, the fog of indecision is lifting and I can now see the reason I am here, I can see somewhere I belong.

sailing sunset

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Walk Along The Lonely Street Of Dreams

I don’t know where I’m goin
But I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again.

Tho’ I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I’m looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
‘Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time.

Just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love’s sweet charity
An’ I’m gonna hold on for the rest of my days
‘Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known.
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone.
An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again,
Here I go again, here I go.

An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time.

Here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
‘Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again,
Here I go again, here I go,
Here I go again.

Here I Go Again – Whitesnake

I think this song describes my outlook on life in such a deep and compelling way it’s almost eerie. I find myself looking back at moments I wish I had made different decisions, but then I realize if I had chosen a different path I’m not sure it would have been better. But one things for sure, I aint wasting no more time. The past is past, nothing can be changed now.

 The strength from within keeps me moving forward, never again will I fall prey to the weakness of the past. Never again will I allow the sins of the flesh overpower my aspirations for a better life. I am stronger than the pull of the salve that hides the truth of happiness. Nothing good is ever easy, nothing worth living is without effort. I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

 If I am to live this life alone, so be it. I am learning that the power to overcome starts inside each of us. Yes, assurances and buttressing from others can assuage fears of making incorrect decisions, but the truth of oneself can only be found from within. Only when you truly understand what makes you happy can you find your “Val Halla.” Only when you accept who you really are will you see the way to a peaceful life.

I have written many times about living a life on the sea, pulling away from the lure of the big lights of modern society and all it’s trappings. I felt if I saved enough money for the “Perfect” boat, all my problems would be set aside in the grace of the dream. Now with the slap of reality in my father’s death I see the shadow of age growing longer, the realization of the shortness of time pushing me to accept that I will never find the “Perfect” anything, never have exactly what the vision leads us to believe. It’s not a compromise, just reality. I can accept a smaller part of the overall dream now because some is better than none.

I may be just another heart in need of rescue, but if it never comes I will carry on. My hope for the future does not rest on the love from another, but on the love of oneself. If your not happy with the person you are, how can anyone be happy with you? If your not true to what you believe in, are you not deceiving others with a false image? Time has a way of shining a light on your shortcomings, but you have to embrace them to change who you are for the better.

The “only road I’ve ever known” is not the way to the fulfillment of my life and I know it. Grandiose plans with no hope of achievement is the road to discouragement, not a life of contentment. If your willing to give up all for the sake of some you may find it is enough. Is it not better to live half a dream instead on none? That is why I chose a smaller boat instead of waiting for the perfect one. What good is a dream if it’s never fulfilled?

Tomorrow I place the down payment not on the boat of my dreams, but the boat that will take me down the road to that dream. I realize the dream is not anything of this earth, but rather a state of mind. The dream is a connection with all the things I hold dear such as a connection with nature. The boat is nothing more than the vessel that puts me into the “thick of it” as it were where I can immerse myself in the beauty of what is free to all if you only stop to see it.

So here I go again on my own, walking down a different road than I’ve known. Like a drifter I may be born to walk alone, but I’ve made up my mind, I aint wasting no more time!

SailboatAlongTheBay

Long Live The Pioneers, Rebels And Mutineers

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This is Upper Range Pond in Poland Maine. I took this picture this morning on my way down to Cumberland Center to look at a boat for sale. I wanted to sit in a 30 foot sailboat to see if it “Felt Right” and was big enough for me. You can look at pictures all day long, but getting up close and sitting onboard will tell the story. Here’s an idea of the size compared to the car beside it.

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This is a 1974 Pearson 30, or some call them a P30. Over 1000 of these were made. Here is the copy from the add:

New lower price, motivated to sell.
Always a cruiser, never used as a racing boat and always well-maintained.
Ready to be launched.
New North sails at a cost of $4,500 included
Pearson 30 Hull #374
This family friendly, comfortable cruiser set the standard. “Over” built in 1974. Sleeps 6: The main cabin has a double berth, quarter berth and single bunk, private v-beth sleeps two, separate head with sink, galley, plenty of storage.
Edison steering wheel with compass
New North Sails, used 2 seasons, very white and crisp
Furlex Roller reefing for genoa
Main sail has one set of reef points, the genoa has roller reefing
Lazy jacks
Lewmar winches
Boom vang
New genoa sheets
3 halyards
Bow anchor mount, Danforth anchor, chain and 200″ of line
Smaller picnic Danforth anchor
All fenders and lines included
Newer lifelines, with a gate on the starboard side
VHS radio
LifeSling
Radar
Stuffing box recently serviced
Dodger (which is a bit “dodgy”)
Sailcover
Stern ladder
Cockpit cushions
Interior cushions in good condition
Sleeps 6: private v-berth, slide out double bed/bench, quarter berth and starboard berth
Screen door for companionway
Raritan LectraSan head
New 2 burner Cook Mate stove with wooden cutting board top
Ice chest
Solar fan in v-berth hatch cover for fresh air circulation
Headroom 6″3′
Engine
Yanmar 2gm20 with 823 hours
Well serviced
Solid decks, no soft spots, all fiberglass is in great shape.
saw horses for the mast during winter storage, to store the mast above the boat.
This model boat has a reputation of being easy to sail, very responsive and above average in build quality. As I looked her over and sat inside, I realized 30 feet is enough for me. At almost 10000 lbs it will be comfortable in heavy seas compared to anything smaller, and has the space for the gear I would need to live aboard. Even though it is 43 years old it’s in great shape. Here’s a few pictures of an identical sister boat as we did not take off the cover.

as long as its funI’ve talked about Lin & Larry Parday before. They are two of the foremost “Cruisers” in the world today having circumnavigated 4 times I believe in boats under 30 feet that they built themselves. Their motto is “Go small, and go now!” That’s become very apparent to me lately as I thought about how long it would take me to save the money for a bigger, better boat.

Over the last few weeks I have been planning how much I could save over the next year to purchase a smaller boat, and today solidified Lin & Larry’s motto in my mind. Something this size is all I need, so I bought it!

That’s right, you read it correctly. I bought this boat! They wanted $8500.00 and I took a shot and offered $1000.00 down and $500.00 per week until paid for, and they accepted! I almost fell down with excitement but I kept my composure until about halfway back to Bangor. Poor Vinny must have thought I was mad as I half cried then yelled so loud he jumped! I can’t believe it’s actually started, my goal is starting to come into focus.

It will take about a year to refit this boat the way I want before I launch it, but that’s OK now that I have something to work on. I should have this paid off by September and have it hauled up to my area then. I can do some exterior work this fall, interior this winter with a heater, and finish the exterior next spring, I hope to launch next season to at least sail during the summer, then maybe work one more winter before I officially become a “Liveaboard” full time. Even if it take another two years to finish the boat completely, I don’t care at this point, my journey to a better life has started.

The next time you feel your backed in a corner, nowhere to turn. The next time you see no hope for a better life, feel like giving up. Dig deeper and know if you try just one more day, you never know what will find you.Watch the video of this song, the title of which will be the name of my boat and my future, and understand what it REALLY means to overcome hardship.

 

Run away with me
Lost souls and reverie
Running wild and running free
Two kids, you and me

And I say
Hey, hey hey hey
Living like we’re renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Living like we’re renegades
Renegades, renegades

Long live the pioneers
Rebels and mutineers
Go forth and have no fear
Come close the end is near

And I say hey, hey hey hey
Living like we’re renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Living like we’re renegades
Renegades, renegades

All hail the underdogs
All hail the new kids
All hail the outlaws
Spielberg’s and Kubrick’s

It’s our time to make a move
It’s our time to make amends
It’s our time to break the rules
Let’s begin

And I say hey, hey hey hey
Living like we’re renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Leaving like we’re renegades
Renegades, renegades

Renegades – X Ambassadors

 

 

Soon I’ll Be 60 Years Old

Once I was seven years old my momma told me
Go make yourself some friends or you’ll be lonely
Once I was seven years old

It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger
Pushing each other to the limits, we were learning quicker
By eleven smoking herb and drinking burning liquor
Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure

Once I was eleven years old my daddy told me
Go get yourself a wife or you’ll be lonely
Once I was eleven years old

I always had that dream like my daddy before me
So I started writing songs, I started writing stories
Something about that glory just always seemed to bore me
‘Cause only those I really love will ever really know me

Once I was twenty years old, my story got told
Before the morning sun, when life was lonely
Once I was twenty years old

I only see my goals, I don’t believe in failure
‘Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major
I got my boys with me at least those in favor
And if we don’t meet before I leave, I hope I’ll see you later

Once I was twenty years old, my story got told
I was writing about everything, I saw before me
Once I was twenty years old
Soon we’ll be thirty years old, our songs have been sold
We’ve traveled around the world and we’re still roaming
Soon we’ll be thirty years old

I’m still learning about life
My woman brought children for me
So I can sing them all my songs
And I can tell them stories
Most of my boys are with me
Some are still out seeking glory
And some I had to leave behind
My brother I’m still sorry

Soon I’ll be sixty years old, my daddy got sixty-one
Remember life and then your life becomes a better one
I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once
I hope my children come and visit, once or twice a month

Soon I’ll be sixty years old, will I think the world is cold
Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me
Soon I’ll be sixty years old
Soon I’ll be sixty years old, will I think the world is cold
Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me
Soon I’ll be sixty years old

Once I was seven years old, momma told me
Go make yourself some friends or you’ll be lonely
Once I was seven years old

Once I was seven years old

Lukas Graham – 7 Years

I heard this song for the first time today. I almost changed the station as I don’t usually listen to this style of music, but I’m glad I listened as I think I have found my next favorite song. It hit me really hard as I watched the video just now, and I had to write this post to get the feelings out or I might burst.

IMG_8253 (Large)My life to date has been a jumbled mess. Innumerable hours spent sitting alone by the ocean as a very young boy just hoping my dad would come and sit beside me. Trying desperately to fit in with the other kids in school, never really succeeding. Getting married with the hopes of having someone to share my life with, only to be tossed aside for someone else. I know I’m not alone with these sad occurrences, but these are mine and they hurt.

As I look at the scales of my life they are unbalanced, many more bad moments than good. Soon I’ll be 60 years old, and the passing of time seems to be speeding up. Do I have 30 years left? Since there’s no way to know I had better get to work balancing those scales.

mainI think these thoughts started Friday when I buried my father, I just needed something to help sort them out. This song made me look at my past in a way that reflected my underlying need for redemption, my search for the answers we all seek. It reinforced my goal of freedom on a boat and my want to touch the lives of fathers and sons that may be struggling to reach each other. Maybe if I can help them it will be like connecting with my dad in the way I always dreamed of.

I have reached out to other charitable groups that help veterans for the purpose of insight into the methods of starting my own non profit as I described in this post. Alone In A Field  I was going to wait until I had amassed enough funds to purchase the boat myself, but I feel that’s what I have been doing all my life…waiting. There’s no better time than the present, I say now is the time before time runs out.

DCIM100GOPROAnother thing happened to me in the last few days that reinforced my feeling that I can only really count on me. (And Vinny, of course!) No one is going to give me more strength than I can draw from within, no one can push me to succeed better than I can. I’ve heard it said that there’s always one person in the midst of any bad situation that steps up and handles the problems because they have the strength to see it through, the will to face it head on. I think I’m that person and I’m not going to back down now.

Starting this week I will put everything I have into this venture. I paid off my car last week and I am completely debt free now. I will still go camping this summer and share many pictures of Vinny and I’s adventures in the “Outback” of Maine, but every spare penny, every spare moment will be dedicated towards my purpose. I will make a difference or die trying.

 

 

Lightning Crashes

Lightning crashes a new mother cries
Her placenta falls to the floor
The angel opens her eyes
The confusion sets in
Before the doctor can even close the door

Lightning crashes an old mother dies
Her intentions fall to the floor
The angel closes her eyes
The confusion that was hers
Belongs now to the baby down the hall

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Lightning crashes a new mother cries
This moment she’s been waiting for
The angel opens her eyes
Pale blue colored iris
Presents the circle
And puts the glory out to hide, hide

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

How much control do we really have over our lives? Can we overcome anything that confronts us? We like to think we are the masters of our fate, our decision making powers provide us with the ability to take charge of the circumstances that present themselves to us, the forethought to have prepared for the worst. We are going to make our mark in this world before we die, we can make a difference that will leave a lasting change in the fate of others. But what if were wrong? What if there’s no rhyme or reason to it?

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Will this be the last sunset I ever see? If so, can I savor it in the here and now with the knowledge of whats to come? I think not. I think we have no idea of whats going to happen in the future with any certainty. Oh we can plan for this contingency or that, prepare for bad times with the hope of skating by with little damage, but I truly feel it’s mostly just dumb luck.

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Was this pond formed for the expressed purpose of providing a habitat for the woodland animals and migrating birds in this area, or was it just because it was gouged out by a glacier during the last ice age in the correct shape to hold water? How did the fish arrive in it’s depths? I think the human mind can think up all kinds of methods or reason many ways that this or that happened, but ultimately we don’t really know for sure. We can attribute some sort of consequence that led to our existence on this planet but we have no solid proof to show for certain how it came about.

I choose to believe there is a balance to all things. An underlying equilibrium that plays into everyday life. Not fate per say, but more of a poetry of existence that shows itself in the opposites of every action. As every child is born, someone dies having lived a full life, after a forest burns, new seedlings sprout to once again showcase the splendor of nature. A storm may wipe away a desert landscape, but a fuller array of life comes forth where only sand was before.

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Like this flowering tree against a cloudy sky, life provides many contrasts, many colors that soothe the everyday trials. Our senses provide the impetus that completes the circle, the stimulation that gives us clarity of our surroundings. Each smell and taste, sight and sound, conspire to bring everyday experiences into a more concise arrangement, a palate of life full of the colors that show us how wonderful it is to be alive in this world. I for one relish every day of life and will continue until it’s last breath.