So Quiet But I Finally Woke Up

Sometimes I feel like I’m drunk behind the wheel
the wheel of possibility
However it may roll, give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there’s always more than one way
to say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head or was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication, it was hard to find
Don’t matter what I say, only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you’re sad then it’s time you spoke up too

Was I out of my head or was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication, it was hard to find
Don’t matter what I say, only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you’re sad then it’s time you spoke up too

Was I out of my head or was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication, it was hard to find
Don’t matter what I say, only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally wake up
If you’re sad then it’s time you spoke up too

Outta My Head – Fastball

Today was another day for a ride along the coast of Maine. I left Bangor at 4:30 this morning and drove to Ellsworth then north on US 1 all the way to Calais. I needed to clear my head after a difficult week of driving, and the beauty of the coast never fails to inspire.

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It’s fun to think I am looking at the same picture the earliest explorers looked at hundreds of years ago. The only thing different now is the presence of man made homes and docks. All the inlets, coves, islands and mud flats are unchanged. The above picture could be the vision of the first explorer to set foot on that beach. The presence of man brings new things, but still in harmony with nature.

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Many of these inlets may have filled in some with silt, but all it takes is one big storm to wash it back out. The ebb and flow of the ocean tides cleanse the coast and provide for all the flora and fauna that thrive here.

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As I roll along I feel my shoulders settle, my neck loosen. I smell the salt air and watch the birds fly over the flats. It’s so quiet but I finally woke up to the fact that I must have been blind to not realize before now, just how much I can see and do for almost no money. There are so many places to see and touch, smell and hear. I think about my former plans of a house or land, my little slice of the earth and I understand how narrow that goal is. Why limit yourself to just a small view?

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There is so much more I can see from the deck of a boat. Every day I can have a different view, every day I can turn the page in my book of life and add a new photo. Every day I can feel the joy of discovery, feel just like a child again.

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Can you see yourself anchored in this harbor, rowing the dingy to shore to go to the local Farmers Market for fresh vegetables and fruit, buy some fish caught just today right from the boat that caught it? A minimalist lifestyle can be had, and a much better life can be lived if your willing to do what it takes.

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This sea otter lives a life free from the daily grind we all face, so why can’t we? Alone or with friends he go’s where he want’s, when he want’s. So why can’t we? The answer is…we can, and I will! Imagine anchoring in this quiet cove. Nothing but the wind and the gentle sway of the boat. What is that kind of peaceful lifestyle worth?

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Nothing in life is free, nothing should be taken for granted. So many people work so hard for their retirement only to get sick or even die before they can enjoy life after work. Many others can’t stop working for fear of losing everything they worked so hard for. If you have almost nothing, you have almost nothing to lose I say. If my boat sank, I could work and buy another. If you lost your house at age 60, could you afford to buy another?

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The sunset of my life is coming, my body is not as resilient as it used to be. I can’t read a book without glasses, but I can rebuild a diesel engine. I can’t run a 5k race, but I can row a dingy and sail a sailboat. Ones worth in this world is not only measured by their physical prowess or their degrees earned in collage, but by their ability to fend for themselves. The founders of this country came here with minimal tools and supplies, the rest they had to come up with on their own. It may have been very hard by today’s standards, but they understood what it took to live a minimalist lifestyle, and I will do the same.

The sweat on my brow and the blisters on my hands are the price I will pay for my lifestyle of choice. I will have many more years of that currency with which to pursue my goals, live the dream before I am too old. My book of life will be filled with joy and laughter, sorrow and tears. A balance of each is my goal if I can help it. We shall see.

PS: I had lunch in Calais at a small diner in town and met Katalin. We had a great conversation and she reminded me of a former post about exceptional people, of which she is one. The story of your boys giving you a ring and saying you were married to them was so endearing it made my heart melt. I told you when I sailed up the coast in a year or two I would stop by again and take you and your two sons out for a sail. And yes Katalin, I will show up, but I was lying to you a little. I don’t often include two songs in one post, but this song is what I felt when I drove back to Bangor.

 

 

Sometimes Goodbye Is A Second Chance

My eyes are open wide
By the way
I made it through the day
I watch the world outside
By the way
I’m leaving out today

I just saw Haley’s comet, shooting
She waved, said, “Why are you always running in place”
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere

Tell my mother, tell my father
I have done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I’m not angry, I’m just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Please don’t cry one tear for me
I’m not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close it’s only for today

I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved
She waved, said, “Why are you always running in place”
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere

Tell my mother, tell my father
I have done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I’m not angry, I’m just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Here is my chance
This is my chance

Tell my mother, tell my father
I have done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I’m not angry, I’m just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Second Chance – Shinedown

I’ve said goodbye to many things in my life, some good some bad. Through it all I felt a deep need to let go of anything that reminded me of situations I never want to repeat, choices that led to despair. People that unintentionally dragged me down, some that tried to help. Many people I had known for decades…I wonder if they miss me? Thoughts like this can make me second guess my actions. Were they to harsh? To abrupt? I made the best choices I could at the time, and there’s no going back.

Like the young woman in this song I thought I knew what was best for me, what road I should go down. Will she pass the audition, or will she come back home? Will her parents still be mad, or will they be happy to see her? Many times I was led astray, but my folks were always happy to see me come back. I can’t thank them enough for their support through it all.

The passing of my father has left a deep scar on me. That scar comes from my regret for letting petty and insignificant feelings interfere with my relationship with him. I knew I was wrong, yet I couldn’t let go of my inner child. Now it’s too late to make amends so I will have to live with what I did. Watching him die the way he did was so totally horrifying. I still see him lying there, so weak and gaunt. That image is burned into my memory forever. If we could talk right now, I’m sure he would forgive me, I just have to forgive myself, and that will take some time. If your listening Dad, I’m truly sorry.

When you read this mom I just want you to know how much I care. I was very lost for a long time, but I always listened to your words of wisdom, even if it took years for it to sink in. A piece of you and dad will be with me all the rest of my life. Your strength of will and dads willingness to work hard and provide for his family is part of who I am, part of what makes me keep going even when I feel down. Even though I will have to say goodbye to you also, hold your head high knowing you leave behind a son who will never forget how much you did for me and many others.

I’m hoping all my goodbyes give me a second chance. A chance to get it right, find some peace for my weary back and my aching heart. I’m searching for an answer to the question of worth, trying to place a value on the remainder of my life. What can I do that will be remembered? And who do I want to remember it? I will make my mark on this earth, however small, and if only one person see’s it and remembers me, I will have accomplished something real.

I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved
She waved, said, “Why are you always running in place”
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere

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Home Sweet Home

You know I’m a dreamer
But my heart’s of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn’t come home low

Just when things went right
It doesn’t mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you’ll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I’m comin’ off this

Long and winding road
I’m on my way
I’m on my way
Home sweet home

Tonight tonight
I’m on my way
I’m on my way
Home sweet home

You know that I’ve seen
Too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin’ off
The silver screen

My heart’s like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together
At the seams

I’m on my way
I’m on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight tonight

I’m on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home
Home sweet home
Home sweet home
Home sweet home

I’m on my way
I’m on my way
Home sweet home
Yeah yeah

I’m on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home

Home Sweet Home – Motley Crue

 

It’s a quiet evening in Bangor Maine tonight. 65 degrees, a light wind and the sun is setting, a perfect end to a perfect Maine summer day. And yet, as beautiful as it is, I don’t feel at home. In fact I think the only time in my adult life I even felt close was when I was taking care of my folks while living in Strong Maine back20140712_051117 (Large) when I started this blog. Even though there was much stress, I was comfortable and felt in control for the first time in a long time. If my father had not progressed into dementia so fast I think we would be there still.

Western Maine is so peaceful and quaint nestled in the mountains and pine forests. All the small towns each had a presence about them, a feeling unspoken as you drive through. Always a sense of the history of years past in the statues to lost soldiers, remembrances of those who fought the good fight for their family and country. Kids riding bicycles on the sidewalks, standing in line for ice cream from the local parlor on Saturday nights. Everything small town life was supposed to be.

IMG_0419 (Large)Every summer day mom and dad would sit on the back deck with the birds and wild rabbits, every evening I cooked dinner for us and felt I was giving back to the people who had given so much to me. That time will stand out in my mind till the day I die as one of the best, most fulfilling times of my life. Tears are running down my face as I type this because I wanted to do so much more for them but time ran out. There’s only so much in this world you can control, and my fathers health was not one of them. My last day at this house was very hard indeed and I wrote about it here.

b (2) (Large)Mom is doing well at my sisters home and I can’t thank her enough for her efforts. I know full well how hard it can be to care for a loved one full time, I had two! I tell her often how much I and the family appreciate her efforts and I hope she finds her peace in the end. We all have to face the passing of those older than us that we care about, and we each in our own way make our peace with it.

The title of this post and the song from which it came represents a moment captured in time for me. When this album came out I was 23 and had just moved to Dallas Texas to try and connect with my oldest brother I had not seen since I was 15. This was the first time I had left Maine for any length of time and I stayed there for over a year. As my relationship with my brother fell apart I felt the pull of Maine, the only home I knew then, and I came back. I never saw him again. He had his life and it didn’t seem to work with mine. He doesn’t even know our father has died, and I don’t know if he ever will.

Now as a mature adult, free from my past, I find I’m still looking for home sweet home. This one idea has been so elusive, so ghostly in it’s appearance. Like a puff of smoke on a foggy day I can’t seem to get hold of it and bring it into focus, find the magic that makes any one moment or place fulfill the dream. Perhaps I am at fault, trying too hard for the perfect vision placed in my mind by others who seemed to have found it. I’m not sure, but I think I am going in the right direction. I think it may just be a state of mind.

 

 

 

 

Leave Tonight Or Live And Die This Way

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we’ll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won’t have to drive too far
Just ‘cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man’s got a problem
He live with the bottle that’s the way it is
He says his body’s too old for working
I say his body’s too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody’s got to take care of him
So I quit school and that’s what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain’t got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout boy
I know things will get better
You’ll find work and I’ll get promoted
We’ll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I’d always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain’t going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

Fast Car – Tracy Chapman

My life to date can be summed up in three words….Mistakes, disappointment and compromise.  Of those three I think compromise has the least sting and the most promise for a better future. Mick Jagger was right when he wrote “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.”  One can hope for this or that, wish for a lottery win or rich unknown uncle, but I feel the only way to achieve a better life is first, knowing what it is you really want, then setting realistic goals that YOU can complete to reach your dream. Help from others is nice and appreciated, but you can’t count on it.

Winterport 1861
Winterport 1861

I took a drive through Winterport Maine this morning waiting for the grocery store to open. As I drove the small streets by the Penobscot River I felt a deep connection to the small cottages by the shore and the overall feel of small town Maine. I felt that old familiar pull of wanting to live in a small house by the sea, wondering what it would have been like to grow up years ago in such a small town. Images of summers by the shore, a one room school, Fourth of July parades and Fire Dept. BBQ’s by the station. Saturday night bean suppers at the Grange hall, the local church bells ringing on Sunday. All the things that make Maine my home.

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Big storms over North Yarmouth

Yesterday my brother and I took my mom over to Yarmouth for pizza “with her boys” and on the way we stopped by my boat so my brother could have a look. Again, I felt a rush of excitement knowing this was my future, a home no one could take away from me. Was it the boat I really wanted? No. But that’s the thing about compromise, You were right Mick, I’m getting what I need if not what I want.

I understand now that I am never going to be able to afford a house by the sea, but I can experience everything else that comprises all the things that make up life in a small coastal town, without the property taxes! I can attend the summer festival, buy food from a local farm stand, talk local politics at the country store, breath in the salt air every morning. Most of the things I want can come true with a little compromise.

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Boothbay Harbor Maine

I also reflect back on all the places I have lived, so many now I have lost count. At one time I did own some land in Sebec Maine, and as beautiful as it was I still felt an urge to travel. I seem to get bored after a couple years staying in one place, the 1800’s mountain man in me is pulled to greener pastures, cleaner springs.When I think it through, buying a boat rather than a house gives me the opportunity to be that mountain man, just on the sea instead. I can balance the travel bug in me with the want of small town life. Freedom comes in many forms if one bothers to look at all options.

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Rocky Mountains in Colorado

Years ago when I drove through Colorado I was overwhelmed with the complete majesty of the Rockies. I thought of miners living in a shack, panning in a stream hoping for the “Big Strike” that would give them all the things they felt were needed for a better life, only to find nothing but hardship and even death for their efforts. Trying to live your life on a hope and a dream no longer makes sense to me. Better to find the happy medium, compromise a little now before it’s too late. If I waited for enough money for a larger boat, tried to save for a down payment on a house, I don’t think I would ever reach a stable existence before I was to old to enjoy it. Leave tonight or live and die this way…that’s dam straight!

New World Man

He’s a rebel and a runner
He’s a signal turning green
He’s a restless young romantic
Wants to run the big machine

He’s got a problem with his poisons
But you know he’ll find a cure
He’s cleaning up the systems
To keep his nature pure

Learning to match the beat of the old-world man
Learning to catch the heat of the third-world man

He’s got to make his own mistakes
And learn to mend the mess he makes
He’s old enough to know what’s right
And young enough not to choose it
He’s noble enough to win the world
But weak enough to lose it

He’s a new-world man

He’s a radio receiver
Tuned to factories and farms
He’s a writer and ranger and a young boy bearing arms
He’s got a problem with his powers
His weapons on patrol
He’s got to walk a fine line
And keep his self-control

Trying to save the day for the old-world man
Trying to pave the way for the third-world man

He’s not concerned with yesterday
He knows constant change is here today
He’s noble enough to know what’s right
But weak enough not to choose it
He’s wise enough to win the world
But fool enough to lose it

He’s a new-world man

Learning to match the beat of the old-world man
He’s learning to catch the heat of the third-world man

He’s a new world man
He’s a new world man

New World Man – Rush

Rush has always been one of my favorite bands. Their lyrics put forth a concise vision, a view expressed by many without voice, only thought. This song brings forth a feeling of acceptance about who I am, a rebel and a runner who has left his poisons in the past to run the big machine. A romantic soul searching for the truth of this life, trying to keep my nature pure. I understand I had it all wrong, I ignored the wisdom of the elders even when I knew it to be right. Foolishness is tied up in the heart of a boy, the rod of reality will remove it far from him.

Experience has shown me the correct path, yet I forget to follow it at times. Caught up in the moment my eyes are sometimes blinded by wants not needs, fears instead of hopes. I am human after all, full of weakness and shortcomings, sadness and regret, hopes and dreams, nobility and kindness. The human spirit can overcome almost anything but only if the will is there. I have proven my will by walking away from my sordid past, but it takes more than one conquest to make a new world man.

When I went to the Winterport Boat Yard to reserve my space for this fall, I met several other boat owners preparing their boats for launch. We spoke for a few minutes until I expressed my hopes for the future upon which they laughed and wished me luck, then walked away from me. At first I was a little dismayed, maybe a little hurt by their disregard of my goals, but upon reflection I see no reason to let the words of old fools discourage me in any way. They may have been sailing for years, obviously have more money than me, but I have the strength of my convictions, the power of my will that has been greatly tested, and I am no quitter.

As I’ve said before, what are you willing to give up to get what you want? I have given up almost everything I owned, still working a job I don’t really like, and walked away from every so called “Friend” I had. I have no house, no apartment, an old used car, and cheap wal-mart clothes. And yet I have something many people with millions never have…hope of a better life by my own hands. Nothing can take away from my devotion to my ideals, my commitment to see this through. I have tried and failed many times in my life, but this time I will succeed.

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Somewhere I Belong

When this began,
I had nothing to say and
And I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find/that I’m
Not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel.(nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own.

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (Erase all the pain ’til it’s gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find That it’s
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
‘Cause I can’t justify the way everyone is looking at me.(
Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I’ve held so long(erase all the pain ’till it’s gone.)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know
myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything ’til I break away from me
And I will break away,
And find myself today

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain til it’s gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong.

I want to heal.
I want to feel like I’m,
Somewhere I belong, Somewhere I belong.

Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park

My search for somewhere I belong has been an apparition, a misty image viewed through a mind clouded by false hopes, poor choices, misguided goals and an unclear vision of how I wanted to live my life. For years I wandered from job to job, place to place, never finding anything that pulled me in, satiated my thirst for creativity. Through it all I held onto past grief and regret, never thinking anything through to completion to find an answer. The fault was my own.

As I’ve matured, and removed myself from the self destructive environment I lived in, I realized I’m not alone in my suffering. The desert of pain I wandered in for so long was actually full of others on the same quest for the life giving waters of release, the intentional letting go of the anchor holding us back from true happiness. We all share the same guilt and longing for exemption, all reaching for that feeling of walking away from one life and starting another. I think I’m almost there.

My sailboat is nothing but the vessel that will carry me to the next port in the long voyage that is my life. A kind of floating home that will shelter me from the storms, yet hold me in the light of forgiveness. A place where I can heal all the wounds of my soul and find my inner writer and photographer, a place to pull my creative side out into the view of all who will believe in me.

This blog and all the followers whose comments have been so inspirational to me, coupled with my will to find true peace, has been the lighthouse that has led me across the stormy seas to the sheltered harbor that will be my home very soon. My heart sings when I think of warm days basking in the sun, simple meals prepared by my own hands, and the comfort of my best friend by my side. That misty image is starting to come into focus, the fog of indecision is lifting and I can now see the reason I am here, I can see somewhere I belong.

sailing sunset

Higher Ground

People keep on learnin’
Soldiers keep on warrin’
World keep on turnin’
‘Cause it won’t be too long

Powers keep on lyin’
While your people keep on dyin’
World keep on turnin’
‘Cause it won’t be too long

I’m so darn glad he let me try it again
‘Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I’m so glad that I know more than I knew then
Gonna keep on tryin’
Till I reach my highest ground

Teachers keep on teachin’
Preachers keep on preachin’
World keep on turnin’
‘Cause it won’t be too long, oh no

Lovers keep on lovin’
Believers keep on believin’
Sleepers just stop sleepin’
‘Cause it won’t be too long, oh no

I’m so glad that he let me try it again
‘Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I’m so glad that I know more than I knew then
Gonna keep on tryin’
Till I reach my highest ground

An’ Stevie knows that nobody’s gonna bring me down
Till I reach the highest ground, ’cause me ‘n’ Stevie, see
We’re gonna be a sailin’ on the funky, funky sound (till I reach the highest ground)
Bustin’ out and I’ll break you out, ’cause I’m sailin’ on
(Till I reach the highest ground)
Just sailin’ on, sailin’ on the higher ground (till I reach the highest ground)

Higher Ground – Red Hot Chili Peppers

Someone said to me recently that I was reinventing myself on this blog, but I don’t see it that way. I think I’m the same person now as I was in my youth, minus the drugs! I don’t think much of who we are on a very deep level changes over our lifetimes. Sure your opinion about this or that will differ, your taste in friends may temper, but the core of who you are will not. You still hold on to the things that brought you joy, you still like the same music, you still follow the same ideals. Were you born with this? To some degree yes, but alot of it was taught to you when you were young by your parents, teachers, and even the shows you watched on TV. You are the cumulative effect of genetics and outside influences in your formative years.

So who am I? I have asked myself that question alot over the last few years, and I think I denied the truth as a way to placate those to whom I feel the most connected, the few that matter in my life. I’ve tried to keep a balance of what they wanted and what matters to me to keep the peace, not ruffle feathers as it were. But I understand now that if they truly care about me, as I’m sure they do, they will accept me no matter what. Here’s a few truth’s about who I really am!

I love hard ass rock and roll. I know many of the songs I put on my blog could be considered mellow, but I am really edgy and heavy metal underneath. Nothing fires me up more than playing Higher Ground at 120 decibels on my new car stereo! I get too loud and curse alot when I’ve had a few, much to the disdain of those with me. I like guns and have many, including an AR15 and a 44 magnum revolver. I don’t like people much and prefer to keep to myself most of the time. I do put on a good show around those I work with, but only 2 have proven to be anything more than workmates. Their loss I say.

My goal for the future is quite simple, get away from society as much as reasonably possible. I’m tired of the social drama you have to go through just to fit in. I don’t care about your kids, your new house, what car you drive or how much you make. I’m tired of all the insecure imps thinking with their genitals, spouting their ill informed liberal opinions about this group or that, trying to impose their belief system on the nation as a whole. I’m not saying you should shut up, you have the right to speak your mind. I’m saying I don’t have to listen to you. In comes the sailboat.

With a sailboat I can have what I feel has always been at the core of who I am. FREEDOM! I won’t be tied to any one place, free to go where I choose when I choose. Free to be the person I so long to be, free to express in pictures what inspires me the most…nature in it’s raw form. Although I can be a little abrasive, deep down I am very sensitive about certain things. Every day I see animals dead on the highway, and every time it bothers me. I can’t watch anything about animals being killed, even by other animals! Nature is what it is, but I’m not fascinated with watching animals die. One of the hardest days of my life will be when I have to put my dog Vinny down in the not so distant future. I’m not an activist by any means, nor am I a vegetarian. If I was hungry enough Bambi would be on the table, but animals should be treated humanely.

I don’t care about the middle east, and I’m never going to visit a Muslim country. They have been killing their own for centuries with no end in sight. Yes it’s sad what happens to the people in war ravaged countries, but it’s their own doing. If they really wanted to end their strife they need to stand up as one and take control of their countries. I’m not against sending food or medical supplies but that’s it. We need to take care of our own now instead of sending our sons and daughters to die in another country. And if you choose to go over to volunteer and get abducted, your on your own…STUPID! What did you think was going to happen?

The only thing in this country that is a right is “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” and that’s all. the rest are gifts as we are the most generous people in the world. You are not entitled to anything else unless you are willing to work for it. My father was never without a job, even when it meant working in the cold winters of Maine. He understood what it was to be a citizen, to take care of your own, to carry your own weight. As children we wanted for nothing, we felt secure, and I thank him and my mother for their efforts.

Yes there are those to whom we should strive to take care of, those who through no fault of their own, cannot support themselves for one reason or another. I don’t think anyone would deny them food, clothing, shelter or medical needs. But today’s society has become a feeding ground for all those who are not willing to put forth the effort, those who feel they are entitled to these things. I for one am tired of paying for you, so in the future I will work only enough for me to live so I can pay almost no taxes that go to those who abuse the system. I will do my part for those that deserve help through voluntarism and direct help. Their is nothing more satisfying than looking into the eyes of someone you have helped in a direct way. It’s all the payment you need.

No, I’m not reinventing myself. I’m embracing who I really am without the worry of being judged, without apology for the things I hold dear. As I strive for my Higher Ground I feel a great relief in expressing what I feel is my life’s work, my true purpose in this world. I wish to bring another perspective of what life has to offer, another view of the world around us. I want to put in pictures how I see the beauty around us that so many take for granted, the quiet side of our existence on this planet called Earth. If we could learn to live with nature, go back to a simpler time, I think we could understand what it means to have a better life worth living.

PS: On another crazy note of who I am…I get my first tattoo’s in a few weeks!

Am I Alive Or Thoughts That Drift Away?

Jan lays down and wrestles in her sleep
Moonlight spills on comic books
And superstars in magazines
An old friend calls and tells us where to meet
Her plane takes off from Baltimore
And touches down on Bourbon Street

We sit outside and argue all night long
About a god we’ve never seen
But never fails to side with me
Sunday comes and all the papers say
Ma Teresa’s joined the mob
And happy with her full time job

Do do do do do do

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?

Do do do do do do

A life is time, they teach us growing up
The seconds ticking killed us all
A million years before the fall
You ride the waves and don’t ask where they go
You swim like lions through the crest
And bathe yourself on zebra flesh

I’ve been downhearted baby,
I’ve been downhearted baby,
Ever since the day we met

Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand – Primitive Radio Gods

I needed some downtime today so I went for a ride down the coast of Maine to recharge my inner battery. I’ve had a difficult couple weeks as of late and time alone with Vinny and my thoughts always helps to refocus my mind back to what I am working so hard for. Interactions with people have drained me to the point that the only person I wanted to see today was my mom, and I stopped to see her during my escape. She’s the only person that really matters to me at this point and I was happy to see she was doing well.

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There’s something about the coast that gives me a feeling of peace, the toils of life seem to fade ever so slightly into the background. The smell of the salt air combined with the mud flats bring me back to a more innocent time as a child sitting by the shore in Cape Elizabeth. I stopped many times today when the view called to me.

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I made my way down to LL Bean again to look at canoes for this summers adventures. They have a wonderful assortment of kayaks and canoe’s to choose from. I think an “Old Town Discovery 119” solo will do the trick. I don’t mind paying a premium for quality that will last a lifetime and these canoe’s fit the bill.

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When I made it to Brunswick I stopped at a wire bridge to walk Vinny and get a closer look. The river is roaring right now and the day was brilliant. A great day to be in Maine.

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As far as I have come over the last few years I still find I’m wrestling with demons of my past, still looking for release from the sometimes harsh reality of the world we live in. As I sat beside the water today I’m reminded of what it is that has always given me the most happiness, the soft blanket to rest my soul on. Walking with my dog, the solitude in nature, no sound but the wind, the sun on my face. Some moments are so surreal I ask myself, Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?


Lightning Crashes

Lightning crashes a new mother cries
Her placenta falls to the floor
The angel opens her eyes
The confusion sets in
Before the doctor can even close the door

Lightning crashes an old mother dies
Her intentions fall to the floor
The angel closes her eyes
The confusion that was hers
Belongs now to the baby down the hall

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Lightning crashes a new mother cries
This moment she’s been waiting for
The angel opens her eyes
Pale blue colored iris
Presents the circle
And puts the glory out to hide, hide

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

How much control do we really have over our lives? Can we overcome anything that confronts us? We like to think we are the masters of our fate, our decision making powers provide us with the ability to take charge of the circumstances that present themselves to us, the forethought to have prepared for the worst. We are going to make our mark in this world before we die, we can make a difference that will leave a lasting change in the fate of others. But what if were wrong? What if there’s no rhyme or reason to it?

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Will this be the last sunset I ever see? If so, can I savor it in the here and now with the knowledge of whats to come? I think not. I think we have no idea of whats going to happen in the future with any certainty. Oh we can plan for this contingency or that, prepare for bad times with the hope of skating by with little damage, but I truly feel it’s mostly just dumb luck.

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Was this pond formed for the expressed purpose of providing a habitat for the woodland animals and migrating birds in this area, or was it just because it was gouged out by a glacier during the last ice age in the correct shape to hold water? How did the fish arrive in it’s depths? I think the human mind can think up all kinds of methods or reason many ways that this or that happened, but ultimately we don’t really know for sure. We can attribute some sort of consequence that led to our existence on this planet but we have no solid proof to show for certain how it came about.

I choose to believe there is a balance to all things. An underlying equilibrium that plays into everyday life. Not fate per say, but more of a poetry of existence that shows itself in the opposites of every action. As every child is born, someone dies having lived a full life, after a forest burns, new seedlings sprout to once again showcase the splendor of nature. A storm may wipe away a desert landscape, but a fuller array of life comes forth where only sand was before.

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Like this flowering tree against a cloudy sky, life provides many contrasts, many colors that soothe the everyday trials. Our senses provide the impetus that completes the circle, the stimulation that gives us clarity of our surroundings. Each smell and taste, sight and sound, conspire to bring everyday experiences into a more concise arrangement, a palate of life full of the colors that show us how wonderful it is to be alive in this world. I for one relish every day of life and will continue until it’s last breath.

In The Meantime, I’ll Wait Right Here

And in the end we shall achieve in time
The thing they call divine
And all the stars will shine for me
When all is well and well is all for all
Forever after
Living in the meantime wait and see

We love the all the all of you
Where lands are green and skies are blue
When all in all we’re just like you
We love the all of you

And when I cry for me I cry for you
With tears of holy joy
For all the days still to come
And did I ever say I’d never play
Or fly toward the sun
Living in the meantime something’s gone

We love the all the all of you
Where lands are green and skies are blue
When all in all we’re just like you
We love the all of you

Well that sounds fine so I’ll see you sometime
Give my love to the future of the humankind
Okay, okay, it’s not okay
While it’s on my mind there’s a girl that fits the crime
For a future love dream that I’m still to find
But in the meantime

We love the all the all of you
Where lands are green and skies are blue
When all in all we’re just like you
We love the all of you

We love the all the all of you
Where lands are green and skies are blue
When all in all we’re just like you
We love the all of you

We love the all the all of you
Our lands are green and skies are blue

Just like you
Just like you
Just like, just like
Just like you
Just like you
Just like, just like
Just like you

In The Meantime – Space Hog

A journey through time my life, joys and sorrows to mark the passing
Months and years fold into one, melting into the composite portrait
A portrait of a being, a person becomes what experience shape’s
Captured in the colors, arranged on life’s canvas

We put forth effort, the will to meet the challenge strong
Ever searching for answers, never finding all
In the shadow of doubt we stand, fear sometimes rules
Control we must, the weakness of flesh

And so we follow the path, the vision of a life fullfilled
Mindful of the perils, we seek the wisdom to carry on
The day approaches, seeds sown and harvest reaped
But in the meantime, I’ll wait right here