Higher Ground

People keep on learnin’
Soldiers keep on warrin’
World keep on turnin’
‘Cause it won’t be too long

Powers keep on lyin’
While your people keep on dyin’
World keep on turnin’
‘Cause it won’t be too long

I’m so darn glad he let me try it again
‘Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I’m so glad that I know more than I knew then
Gonna keep on tryin’
Till I reach my highest ground

Teachers keep on teachin’
Preachers keep on preachin’
World keep on turnin’
‘Cause it won’t be too long, oh no

Lovers keep on lovin’
Believers keep on believin’
Sleepers just stop sleepin’
‘Cause it won’t be too long, oh no

I’m so glad that he let me try it again
‘Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I’m so glad that I know more than I knew then
Gonna keep on tryin’
Till I reach my highest ground

An’ Stevie knows that nobody’s gonna bring me down
Till I reach the highest ground, ’cause me ‘n’ Stevie, see
We’re gonna be a sailin’ on the funky, funky sound (till I reach the highest ground)
Bustin’ out and I’ll break you out, ’cause I’m sailin’ on
(Till I reach the highest ground)
Just sailin’ on, sailin’ on the higher ground (till I reach the highest ground)

Higher Ground – Red Hot Chili Peppers

Someone said to me recently that I was reinventing myself on this blog, but I don’t see it that way. I think I’m the same person now as I was in my youth, minus the drugs! I don’t think much of who we are on a very deep level changes over our lifetimes. Sure your opinion about this or that will differ, your taste in friends may temper, but the core of who you are will not. You still hold on to the things that brought you joy, you still like the same music, you still follow the same ideals. Were you born with this? To some degree yes, but alot of it was taught to you when you were young by your parents, teachers, and even the shows you watched on TV. You are the cumulative effect of genetics and outside influences in your formative years.

So who am I? I have asked myself that question alot over the last few years, and I think I denied the truth as a way to placate those to whom I feel the most connected, the few that matter in my life. I’ve tried to keep a balance of what they wanted and what matters to me to keep the peace, not ruffle feathers as it were. But I understand now that if they truly care about me, as I’m sure they do, they will accept me no matter what. Here’s a few truth’s about who I really am!

I love hard ass rock and roll. I know many of the songs I put on my blog could be considered mellow, but I am really edgy and heavy metal underneath. Nothing fires me up more than playing Higher Ground at 120 decibels on my new car stereo! I get too loud and curse alot when I’ve had a few, much to the disdain of those with me. I like guns and have many, including an AR15 and a 44 magnum revolver. I don’t like people much and prefer to keep to myself most of the time. I do put on a good show around those I work with, but only 2 have proven to be anything more than workmates. Their loss I say.

My goal for the future is quite simple, get away from society as much as reasonably possible. I’m tired of the social drama you have to go through just to fit in. I don’t care about your kids, your new house, what car you drive or how much you make. I’m tired of all the insecure imps thinking with their genitals, spouting their ill informed liberal opinions about this group or that, trying to impose their belief system on the nation as a whole. I’m not saying you should shut up, you have the right to speak your mind. I’m saying I don’t have to listen to you. In comes the sailboat.

With a sailboat I can have what I feel has always been at the core of who I am. FREEDOM! I won’t be tied to any one place, free to go where I choose when I choose. Free to be the person I so long to be, free to express in pictures what inspires me the most…nature in it’s raw form. Although I can be a little abrasive, deep down I am very sensitive about certain things. Every day I see animals dead on the highway, and every time it bothers me. I can’t watch anything about animals being killed, even by other animals! Nature is what it is, but I’m not fascinated with watching animals die. One of the hardest days of my life will be when I have to put my dog Vinny down in the not so distant future. I’m not an activist by any means, nor am I a vegetarian. If I was hungry enough Bambi would be on the table, but animals should be treated humanely.

I don’t care about the middle east, and I’m never going to visit a Muslim country. They have been killing their own for centuries with no end in sight. Yes it’s sad what happens to the people in war ravaged countries, but it’s their own doing. If they really wanted to end their strife they need to stand up as one and take control of their countries. I’m not against sending food or medical supplies but that’s it. We need to take care of our own now instead of sending our sons and daughters to die in another country. And if you choose to go over to volunteer and get abducted, your on your own…STUPID! What did you think was going to happen?

The only thing in this country that is a right is “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” and that’s all. the rest are gifts as we are the most generous people in the world. You are not entitled to anything else unless you are willing to work for it. My father was never without a job, even when it meant working in the cold winters of Maine. He understood what it was to be a citizen, to take care of your own, to carry your own weight. As children we wanted for nothing, we felt secure, and I thank him and my mother for their efforts.

Yes there are those to whom we should strive to take care of, those who through no fault of their own, cannot support themselves for one reason or another. I don’t think anyone would deny them food, clothing, shelter or medical needs. But today’s society has become a feeding ground for all those who are not willing to put forth the effort, those who feel they are entitled to these things. I for one am tired of paying for you, so in the future I will work only enough for me to live so I can pay almost no taxes that go to those who abuse the system. I will do my part for those that deserve help through voluntarism and direct help. Their is nothing more satisfying than looking into the eyes of someone you have helped in a direct way. It’s all the payment you need.

No, I’m not reinventing myself. I’m embracing who I really am without the worry of being judged, without apology for the things I hold dear. As I strive for my Higher Ground I feel a great relief in expressing what I feel is my life’s work, my true purpose in this world. I wish to bring another perspective of what life has to offer, another view of the world around us. I want to put in pictures how I see the beauty around us that so many take for granted, the quiet side of our existence on this planet called Earth. If we could learn to live with nature, go back to a simpler time, I think we could understand what it means to have a better life worth living.

PS: On another crazy note of who I am…I get my first tattoo’s in a few weeks!

Am I Alive Or Thoughts That Drift Away?

Jan lays down and wrestles in her sleep
Moonlight spills on comic books
And superstars in magazines
An old friend calls and tells us where to meet
Her plane takes off from Baltimore
And touches down on Bourbon Street

We sit outside and argue all night long
About a god we’ve never seen
But never fails to side with me
Sunday comes and all the papers say
Ma Teresa’s joined the mob
And happy with her full time job

Do do do do do do

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?

Do do do do do do

A life is time, they teach us growing up
The seconds ticking killed us all
A million years before the fall
You ride the waves and don’t ask where they go
You swim like lions through the crest
And bathe yourself on zebra flesh

I’ve been downhearted baby,
I’ve been downhearted baby,
Ever since the day we met

Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand – Primitive Radio Gods

I needed some downtime today so I went for a ride down the coast of Maine to recharge my inner battery. I’ve had a difficult couple weeks as of late and time alone with Vinny and my thoughts always helps to refocus my mind back to what I am working so hard for. Interactions with people have drained me to the point that the only person I wanted to see today was my mom, and I stopped to see her during my escape. She’s the only person that really matters to me at this point and I was happy to see she was doing well.

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There’s something about the coast that gives me a feeling of peace, the toils of life seem to fade ever so slightly into the background. The smell of the salt air combined with the mud flats bring me back to a more innocent time as a child sitting by the shore in Cape Elizabeth. I stopped many times today when the view called to me.

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I made my way down to LL Bean again to look at canoes for this summers adventures. They have a wonderful assortment of kayaks and canoe’s to choose from. I think an “Old Town Discovery 119” solo will do the trick. I don’t mind paying a premium for quality that will last a lifetime and these canoe’s fit the bill.

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When I made it to Brunswick I stopped at a wire bridge to walk Vinny and get a closer look. The river is roaring right now and the day was brilliant. A great day to be in Maine.

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As far as I have come over the last few years I still find I’m wrestling with demons of my past, still looking for release from the sometimes harsh reality of the world we live in. As I sat beside the water today I’m reminded of what it is that has always given me the most happiness, the soft blanket to rest my soul on. Walking with my dog, the solitude in nature, no sound but the wind, the sun on my face. Some moments are so surreal I ask myself, Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?


Lightning Crashes

Lightning crashes a new mother cries
Her placenta falls to the floor
The angel opens her eyes
The confusion sets in
Before the doctor can even close the door

Lightning crashes an old mother dies
Her intentions fall to the floor
The angel closes her eyes
The confusion that was hers
Belongs now to the baby down the hall

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Lightning crashes a new mother cries
This moment she’s been waiting for
The angel opens her eyes
Pale blue colored iris
Presents the circle
And puts the glory out to hide, hide

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

How much control do we really have over our lives? Can we overcome anything that confronts us? We like to think we are the masters of our fate, our decision making powers provide us with the ability to take charge of the circumstances that present themselves to us, the forethought to have prepared for the worst. We are going to make our mark in this world before we die, we can make a difference that will leave a lasting change in the fate of others. But what if were wrong? What if there’s no rhyme or reason to it?

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Will this be the last sunset I ever see? If so, can I savor it in the here and now with the knowledge of whats to come? I think not. I think we have no idea of whats going to happen in the future with any certainty. Oh we can plan for this contingency or that, prepare for bad times with the hope of skating by with little damage, but I truly feel it’s mostly just dumb luck.

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Was this pond formed for the expressed purpose of providing a habitat for the woodland animals and migrating birds in this area, or was it just because it was gouged out by a glacier during the last ice age in the correct shape to hold water? How did the fish arrive in it’s depths? I think the human mind can think up all kinds of methods or reason many ways that this or that happened, but ultimately we don’t really know for sure. We can attribute some sort of consequence that led to our existence on this planet but we have no solid proof to show for certain how it came about.

I choose to believe there is a balance to all things. An underlying equilibrium that plays into everyday life. Not fate per say, but more of a poetry of existence that shows itself in the opposites of every action. As every child is born, someone dies having lived a full life, after a forest burns, new seedlings sprout to once again showcase the splendor of nature. A storm may wipe away a desert landscape, but a fuller array of life comes forth where only sand was before.

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Like this flowering tree against a cloudy sky, life provides many contrasts, many colors that soothe the everyday trials. Our senses provide the impetus that completes the circle, the stimulation that gives us clarity of our surroundings. Each smell and taste, sight and sound, conspire to bring everyday experiences into a more concise arrangement, a palate of life full of the colors that show us how wonderful it is to be alive in this world. I for one relish every day of life and will continue until it’s last breath.

In The Meantime, I’ll Wait Right Here

And in the end we shall achieve in time
The thing they call divine
And all the stars will shine for me
When all is well and well is all for all
Forever after
Living in the meantime wait and see

We love the all the all of you
Where lands are green and skies are blue
When all in all we’re just like you
We love the all of you

And when I cry for me I cry for you
With tears of holy joy
For all the days still to come
And did I ever say I’d never play
Or fly toward the sun
Living in the meantime something’s gone

We love the all the all of you
Where lands are green and skies are blue
When all in all we’re just like you
We love the all of you

Well that sounds fine so I’ll see you sometime
Give my love to the future of the humankind
Okay, okay, it’s not okay
While it’s on my mind there’s a girl that fits the crime
For a future love dream that I’m still to find
But in the meantime

We love the all the all of you
Where lands are green and skies are blue
When all in all we’re just like you
We love the all of you

We love the all the all of you
Where lands are green and skies are blue
When all in all we’re just like you
We love the all of you

We love the all the all of you
Our lands are green and skies are blue

Just like you
Just like you
Just like, just like
Just like you
Just like you
Just like, just like
Just like you

In The Meantime – Space Hog

A journey through time my life, joys and sorrows to mark the passing
Months and years fold into one, melting into the composite portrait
A portrait of a being, a person becomes what experience shape’s
Captured in the colors, arranged on life’s canvas

We put forth effort, the will to meet the challenge strong
Ever searching for answers, never finding all
In the shadow of doubt we stand, fear sometimes rules
Control we must, the weakness of flesh

And so we follow the path, the vision of a life fullfilled
Mindful of the perils, we seek the wisdom to carry on
The day approaches, seeds sown and harvest reaped
But in the meantime, I’ll wait right here

Fragile Lives, Shattered Dreams

When we were young the future was so bright
The old neighborhood was so alive
And every kid on the whole damn street
Was gonna make it big and not be beat

Now the neighborhood’s cracked and torn
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives

[Chorus]
Chances thrown
Nothing’s free
Longing for what used to be
Still it’s hard
Hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams

Jamie had a chance, well she really did
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids
Mark still lives at home cause he’s got no job
He just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot

Jay committed suicide
Brandon OD’d and died
What the hell is going on
The cruelest dream, reality

[Chorus]
Chances thrown
Nothing’s free
Longing for what used to be
Still it’s hard
Hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams

The Kids Aren’t Alright – The Offspring

I was just sitting in a truck stop restaurant having dinner and I overheard two young women, both in their early 20’s, discussing their lives in the booth behind me. One woman was very animated in describing her unhappiness with her relationship. She went on and on about he did this, he did that, he never this or that. I thought to myself how silly her complaints seemed to me, but is it just because I am male, or because I’m much older?

Why when her friend said just leave him and she countered with “but then I’ll have no money or car” did I feel like she just didn’t get it? She didn’t seem to realize how petty and shallow that sounded. Is she just that immature or does she see relationships as a way to get things? Is her self esteem so low that the thought of going it alone seem beyond the limit of her ability?

I will admit I was very much like her when I was young. My self esteem was so low I really didn’t understand my worth in this world, the value of my life was lost in the simple thinking of day to day existence. Without a goal, without a plan to achieve it, I was open to the influence of others looking to use me for their gain. Just as that young woman was using him for his car and paycheck, he was using her for sex most likely. I hope she wakes up sooner than I did and realizes the benefit to the world she could be if she just believed in herself.

I think the dreams of youth can be inflated by pop culture, social media, ideological professors, disconnected parents and other outside influences that can cloud a young and fragile mind. Too often we read stories of young “Snowflake” millennial’s that can’t adjust to the world outside of the collage cocoon, no “Safe Space” to run to so they wont be hurt by words or ideas they don’t agree with. Just because you have a degree in some social science dreamscape does not mean you will find a six figure salary your first day after graduation, or ever for that matter. I don’t feel bad that you now have a huge student loan, it’s your responsibility to pay it off not the government or the taxpayers. Welcome to the real world!

I don’t feel you need a degree in this world to make a difference. We all do our part to make things better in some way, even something as simple as holding the door for others has an impact. You don’t need a degree to check on your elderly neighbors instead of thinking “Meals on Wheels” or some other agency will insure they are fed and safe.  All the big ideals of Globalization has caused us to ignore the people in our small sphere of influence. We forgot what it feels like to truly help another individual on a personal level. I’ve done this in the past, and I’m going to do it again.

Every time I see a politician or celebrity on TV talking about this government program or that charity, how the children will suffer or the homeless are dying, it really makes me mad. I wonder if they ever directly bought some food for a poor family, brought a homeless person into their home and fed them? You can bet that NEVER has happened! No, they donate their time for the adds, hold a fundraiser for a charity, or just write a check. They go back to their gated community and congratulate themselves on how they made the rest of us look uncaring and mean spirited.

I’m afraid modern society in many ways has forgotten what it means to be a good neighbor, what it means to help someone directly. Oh there are those who volunteer at a soup kitchen or even join the peace corps and travel to Africa to help starving children. To them I say thank you for really giving it your all. But why can’t you start right here at home? Are not other countries responsible for their own destiny for the most part? Why should we neglect our own while sending billions overseas, sometimes to people who hate us? Am I wrong or does that just seem stupid!

I don’t hold out much hope that anything will change in the near future. Our leaders are so power hungry they are blind to the plight of ordinary people. They are so removed from reality that our voices are nothing but the incessant buzz of a house fly to be swatted. The saddest part of it all is that it’s our own fault. We keep blindly voting the same group back in time after time, even though we complain about the lack of results. Sounds like the definition of insanity to me!

Suite Madame Blue

Time after time I sit and I wait for your call
I know I’m a fool but why can I say
Whatever the price I’ll pay for you,
Madame Blue

Once long ago, a word from your lips and the world turned around
But somehow you’ve changed, you’re so far away
I long for the past and dream of the days with you,
Madame Blue

Suite Madame Blue, gaze in your looking glass
You’re not a child anymore
Suite Madame Blue, the future is all but past
Dressed in your jewels, you made your own rules
You conquered the world and more, heaven’s door

Oh

America, America, America, America
America, America, America, America
America, America, America, America
America, America, America, America
America, America, America, America
America, America, America, America

Red white and blue, gaze in your looking glass
You’re not a child anymore
Red, white, and blue, the future is all but past
So lift up your heart, make a new start
And lead us away from here

Suite Madame Blue – Styx

My short time on this earth has taught me anything of real value comes at a price, nothing is free. It’s also taught me that time is fleeting, every moment of your life is to be cherished not squandered. When I look out over the vast stretches of Madame Blue, I see more than open ocean, seagulls and dolphins. More than the morning sun as it struggles to break free of Poseidon’s grasp. More than the foreboding feeling as waves grow tall with the setting sun, and the darkness once again takes control. I see my past being washed away in the wake of my sailboat. Each bad memory fading from view as I trim my sails and and stay true to the decided course.

It’s been just over a decade since I walked away from the lifestyle that held me in a prison of doubt and fear, a way of life fraught with anxiety and sadness. I feel I have grown more in that time then in all the time before. With a clear head I have looked at all the things I couldn’t see in my youth through the eyes of an outsider of sorts. No longer clouded by drugs I find I can play God with my past, slowly discarding the mistakes and fleshing out the real person that lies within. I feel an urgency to get my life in order before the future is past again. If you’ve never been in that place you can’t possibly understand the willpower it takes to turn away from the hold it has on you. I will never go back.

The passing of my father has shown me how much I still have to learn, how much I overlooked. Like many John Wayne characters, my father did not sit with me and teach me about life lessons he had learned, it was not his way. Instead he taught by example, though it took his death for me to see it. When I think of my struggles, then look to his past, I see no comparison. My fathers past was much more devastating than anything I have been through, yet he stayed strong and steady until the end. In his last days of life I watched his hold on this world slowly slip from his grasp, his body slowly melt away a little more each day. Even when he slipped into a coma, no food or water for over 8 days, he would not give up. My father was the strongest man I have ever known, and I will try to live up to his example.

I look to my future with hope for a change, thanks in large part to the lessons I have learned from both my parents. The sum of my experiences and the steadfast will both my father and mother have shown gives me the strength to carry on each day, the will to make my dream a reality in the near future. When my father is buried, his flag will come with me on my boat as a symbol of what it means to be a man, his lessons not lost on me. He will be with me in every storm, sunny day, distant anchorage and marina. I will remember how he never gave up, never backed down. Though his back was bowed with the burdens he carried, he gladly put that yoke on each morning and made his way through life with few complaints. I will do my best to become half the man he was.

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Simple Man

Mama told me when I was young
“Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say
And if you do this it’ll help you some sunny day”

“Oh, take your time, don’t live too fast
Troubles will come and they will pass
You’ll find a woman and you’ll find love
And don’t forget, son, there is someone up above”

“And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won’t you do this for me, son, if you can”

“Forget your lust for the rich man’s gold
All that you need is in your soul
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied”

“And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won’t you do this for me, son, if you can”

Oh yes, I will

“Boy, don’t you worry, you’ll find yourself
Follow your heart and nothing else
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied”

“And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won’t you do this for me, son, if you can”

Baby, be a simple, really simple man
Oh, be something you love and understand

Simple Man – Lynyrd Skynyrd

I’ve been thinking about this post for days, trying to find the words to best portray the thoughts in my mind. A vision is coming into focus of the person I want to be, the lifestyle I wish to lead, and what it will take to get there. A friend recently commented on a post about the people that inspire her. People that understand what truly gives one happiness, how simple and fulfilling life can be when lived at it’s most basic level. There is one man that really inspires me, one man who’s footsteps I would like to follow, albeit with a slightly different abode. That man is Richard Proenneke.

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Richard Louis “Dick” Proenneke
(May 4, 1916 – April 20, 2003) was a self-educated naturalist who lived alone for nearly thirty years in the mountains of Alaska in a log cabin he had constructed by hand near the shore of Twin Lakes. Proenneke hunted, fished, raised and gathered his own food, and also had supplies flown in occasionally. He documented his activities in journals and on film, and also recorded valuable meteorological and natural data. The journals and film were later used by others to write books and produce documentaries about his time in the wilderness.
(copied from Wikipedia)

This man was a true naturist, not some granola crunching nut who ties them self to a tree or lays on a highway to try and stop a drilling rig. This man lived in and with nature in it’s purest form. He lived mostly from the land, both animal and vegetable, cultivated and culled by his own hands. He brought with him only the tools he could not make, and only the best quality so they would last. He understood what it meant to be self sufficient, unlike many today who wouldn’t last a week without a supermarket or Starbucks.

If you watch the PBS documentary about his time in Alaska you cant help but come away with a deep respect for this man, a sorrowful feeling of having never met him. I wish I could have spent a day talking with him about his philosophy on life, whether he had any unfulfilled dreams, any regrets. I bet he had none. I think that alone is something we should all strive for…no regrets.

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This is also my quest, to test myself. When my sailboat is purchased and fitted out with only the needed, and best quality equipment, I will try to find my inner peace. I will separate myself from society as much as reasonably possible and live a life in harmony with nature instead of trying to control it. I will have to work some but I will choose an occupation I enjoy even at a much lower income. I miss looking forward to going to work.

I look forward to honing my photography skills, maybe have some pictures published. Sharing my boat and time with those who could use some real quality time with their children such as Veterans. Exploring my writing wherever it leads. Letting go of the regrets of my past and replacing them with feelings of accomplishment and generosity. I want my life to mean something other than just another name in a computer, another face lost in the masses.

Like you Osyth I admire people who see life for what it is, not what we surround ourselves with. There is so much in this world that people walk right by each day and never fully appreciate the beauty of it, so much we take for granted. When was the last time you spent time with someone just talking? No TV, radio, cellphones or any other distractions, just words and eye contact? It’s part of what make’s relationships work over the long run. The true understanding of others only comes from direct and meaningful conversation.

In time I will be writing my posts from the cockpit of my boat anchored in some quiet bay. I will share the pictures I took that day in the hopes of letting you see the world through my eyes, feel the day as I experienced it. My life will mean something when I have found the skill to help others immerse themselves into a world of simple pleasures from a simple man.

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I’m A Creep

When you were here before,
Couldn’t look you in the eye,
You’re just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry,

You float like a feather,
In a beautiful world,
I wish I was special,
You’re so very special.[Chorus:]

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.

I don’t care if it hurts,
I want to have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul,

I want you to notice,
When I’m not around,
You’re so very special,
I wish I was special.[Chorus:]

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.

She’s running out again,
She’s running out…
She run run run run…
Run…

Whatever makes you happy,
You’re so very special,
I wish I was special…

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here,
I don’t belong here.

Creep – Radiohead

I soooo relate to this song. This is the story of my life, the terribly awkward interactions I have with most people, especially women. Let’s be honest, I have had only 5 serious relationships in my 51 years, and one was my marriage that ended in divorce. I guess I should be proud of the fact I wasn’t a playboy, always looking for the next conquest. But that’s not the only truth to be told, the real truth is I really don’t like most people.

Even as a young boy I would always search out the hidden places, the spots where I could remove myself from society as a whole. The dark corners where my imagination could run free without the feeling of someone watching or judging me. As I grew into a teenager I came out of it to some degree. I was able to at least interact with small groups of like minded kids but in large crowds my anxiety was palpable. To this day I don’t feel comfortable in groups of more than 5 or 10 people, and if I go to a bar or restaurant I always get a corner seat.

I feel my best when I’m alone or with my dog Vinny. He truly is this mans best friend. You may think that is silly or even sad, but he is not judgemental, he’s always happy to see me, always ready to play or just hang. Never holds a grudge, knows when I’m sad, comforting and true. All the things I’ve never found in people. And yet, I’ve not given up hope, ever in search of a few people I can really relate to, true friends. In the cyber world of blogging, I think I have found a few.

Even though I have never physically met any of you, I FEEL your presence when I read your posts, when you comment on mine. I can see through your eyes when you talk of days filled with hope and joy, beauty and kindness. When I look at your photo’s I see what you saw, I’m standing beside you. I wish I could snap my fingers and we could all be together for an afternoon, sharing stories and sharing our time. Maybe someday we can.

Here’s to you Osyth, your the reason I’m still posting. Without your words of encouragement I would have walked away before now. Of all the people I have met through this blog, you are the one I WILL meet someday, and give you a hug…if mb2 doesn’t mind!

To my Outback friend Miriam, if I make it to the south pacific as I hope I will you can bet I will stop to see you. You have been following me almost from the beginning and that says alot. We both share a great joy of camping and being outside, and I look forward to your pictures around the campfire. Someday we will share the same fire.

To my sis Jessica, you seem like such a wonderfully spontaneous and naturally kind person. I’m floored by your outlook on life and dealing with the daily crap we all must face. I’ll bet you haven’t cursed once in your life! Your very sweet and genuine and maybe we can meet when I sail down the coast sometime soon.

And then there’s Kerry! You are so much fun! I will stop by when I sail to Louisiana and we can share dinner on my boat with you and your husband…if you dare! Not everybody feels comfortable on the water, so we can always stay at the dock. Anytime spent with you would be a joy.

There are many more, and I hope you don’t feel slighted, but these four friends have been there from the start. Always with a comment, words of encouragement and true kindness. That’s something I have not had alot of in my life and I thank you.

It Doesn’t Have To Be Like This

For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals
Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination
We learned to talk

There’s a silence surrounding me
I can’t seem to think straight
I’ll sit in the corner
No one can bother me

I think I should speak now
Why won’t you talk to me
I can’t seem to speak now
You never talk to me

My words won’t come out right
What are you thinking
I feel like I’m drowning
What are you feeling

I’m feeling weak now
You never talk to me
But I can’t show my weakness

What are you thinking
I sometimes wonder
What are you feeling

Where do we go from here

It doesn’t have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

Why won’t you talk to me
I feel like I’m drowning
You never talk to me
You know I can’t breathe now

What are you thinking
We’re going nowhere
What are you feeling
We’re going nowhere

Why won’t you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
Where do we go from here

It doesn’t have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

Keep Talking – Pink Floyd

Is there a song that reaches you on a very deep level? More than just happy or sad, but emotionally and physically? When your by yourself in the car perhaps, do you crank it up and get a full body rush and immerse yourself completely in the song? Years ago I first heard this song while under the influence of some very powerful LSD and had an experience I struggle to put into words. Even now, straight as I am, the same basic feeling happened as I was driving today.

The vision is so clear, the memory still etched in my mind. Strong hallucinogens leave a lasting scar on a young mind, forever there waiting for a trigger to force them into the light to be opened and examined once again. Much of my younger life was spent in that dark room, sitting in the corner so no one would bother me. I kept to myself, never wanting to talk for fear of saying the wrong thing.

There were several years I lived a full life only in my mind. Wandering through the passing days in a haze, trying to suppress something disturbing me yet I had no clear image of what it was. The only thing that mattered was my next “Buzz” and the feeling of euphoria that came with it.

“Tripping” on LSD is a tremendous experience. You completely lose control of your thoughts and emotions. Hallucinations can be mild or very scary, even your worst fears can become real during a “Rush”. How I made it through a few of those times uninjured is amazing. Addiction is the worst thing I have ever dealt with, but in a way it made me much stronger.

By stopping the way I did, cold turkey, I proved to myself that I was in control of my life. I knew what I needed to do and I did it. I don’t think any other method would have worked for me. Like most things in my life, I had to do it alone.

I have learned to express myself better through this blog, even though I still struggle with basic conversation in social situations. I’ve come from an emotionally damaged young man, to being a mostly stable and focused adult, but the road was a long one. I still have difficulty putting my thoughts together in a cohesive order, I still say the wrong things sometimes. But I know for sure, all I need to do is keep talking.

Every Day I Write The Book

Don’t tell me you don’t know what love is
When you’re old enough to know better
When you find strange hands in your sweater
When your dreamboat turns out to be a footnote
I’m a man with a mission in two or three editions

And I’m giving you a longing look
Everyday, everyday, everyday I write the book

Chapter one we didn’t really get along
Chapter two I think I fell in love with you
You said you’d stand by me in the middle of chapter three
But you were up to your old tricks in chapters four, five and six

The way you walk
The way you talk, and try to kiss me, and laugh
In four or five paragraphs
All your compliments and your cutting remarks
Are captured here in my quotation marks

Don’t tell me you don’t know the difference
Between a lover and a fighter
With my pen and my electric typewriter
Even in a perfect world where everyone was equal
I’d still own the film rights and be working on the sequel

Every Day I Write The Book – Elvis Costello

Is that the 80’s or what! Don’t you just love the Charles and Diana look a likes? The lyrics perfectly describe youthful love, the in between years after Jr High, but before you start to settle down. A time when relationships were as fleeting as the last rays of sun on a winter day. But I also see a different parallel to my every day life.

I see every day as a chance to write more than a page, but another chapter in my life. Each day is so much more than can be written in just a few hundred words, each day is a chapter full of sights and sounds, smells and tastes. A day of wonder at the sky and clouds, searching for a thought to surround the view, encompass the colors. The fresh smell of the trees in spring, the scent of salt water fueling your fantasies with images of faraway lands covered in swaying palm trees.

The taste of fresh fruit, savoring every splash of flavor as it accosts your senses with it’s brilliance. The feel of a cool breeze flowing over your skin combined with the warmth of a thousand rays eager to lull you into sleep. The soft cry of birds courting in the sunset, the sound of joy and fulfillment for a lover found. All of these and more fill my days, brightens my soul.

Such are the thoughts of a simple man trying to make his way in this world. Each day brings me closer to the dream, one more step down the path towards my final destination, my vision of what will bring me happiness. Only through hard work can we hope to achieve a life worth living. Only through sacrifice can we finally behold what brings us the most joy. Only through an understanding of oneself can you do more than dream. Every day I write the book of me.

sailing sunset