Most of my younger days were spent with a joint in my fingers, the teenage angst pushing through into my 20’s and 30’s. Married at 26, failed by 37, I stumbled through life with anger and a self-righteous attitude, thinking the world was wrong and I had the answers. Foolishly following the disastrous path of others, I found myself confronted with the reality of my actions, a debt to be paid for my transgressions that felt like a heavy weight on my shoulders. Sound familiar? I bet it does for many. When we are young, we think we know everything and no one understands us, as if we are the only ones navigating this complex maze of existence. We berate the advice of our parents and ignore the signs right in front of us, often following the advice of others in our circle that have no better grasp on life than we did, dismissing the warnings of those who care about us the most as mere pessimism. We feel the simple power of our will can overcome any trials we may face, as if our determination alone can rewrite the rules of life. Oh how wrong we were. It takes more than willpower to avoid the pitfalls that life lays out before us; experience teaches the lessons we often refuse to learn, shaping us into wiser versions of ourselves amidst the chaos of youthful exuberance.
As life throws more and more difficulties in our path, one can find themselves retreating into a life of isolation. We push back all that we feel causes discomfort, including many, if not all, the people we know, causing an ever-widening chasm between ourselves and the outside world. Walling ourselves off from society, we delve into deep personal reflection that becomes the norm, a solitary existence filled with both clarity and confusion. In this introspective state, we may vacillate between regret and euphoria, oscillating like a pendulum between the two extremes. Some days, nothing will affect our positive mood, allowing us to bask in the warmth of fleeting happiness, while on other days, the weight of our emotions feels like an anchor, making it nearly impossible to leave the house. Such is the case with me as I struggled with Bi-Polar disorder, a condition that often felt like both a curse and a gift—providing deep insight while simultaneously dragging me into darkness. Years of not understanding my feelings gave way to the crucial realization that I was not crazy, but simply confused about the world around me and my place within it. Once you understand what is going on, you have a good chance of controlling your reactions to good days and bad; you begin to develop strategies to deal with the wide-ranging emotions that used to control you. Learning to navigate this emotional landscape—identifying triggers, practicing self-compassion, and acknowledging the cycles of mood—can be transformative, empowering you to reclaim your life from the shadows of despair.
The wall I put up was almost complete until I decided to try just one more time to find what was deep in my heart. Even though I was heading down the dark road of isolation, the search for love was still there, flickering like a candle in the wind, refusing to be extinguished. When I met my future wife, I had no real idea how much I was missing in my life; she entered my world like a bright ray of sunshine piercing through the thick fog of loneliness. I have known the happiness of a partner, but the fulfillment of a child was not something I could quantify yet; it was an experience beyond my previous understanding of joy. The love and loyalty of Cecil brought me back from the edge, reminding me of the warmth of connection and the importance of companionship, but the simple and overwhelming love from a child gave me something I had never had before—an unconditional bond that transcends words. It filled the void within me, creating a tapestry of memories, laughter, and hope. I feel complete now, as if every missing piece of my heart has been found and placed together, forming a picture of love that encompasses our little family.
I share this not as a reading of my life, I don’t seek sympathy or kind words. I share this as a lesson to my daughter who will read this someday and hopefully gain some wisdom from my folly. Life is a journey filled with ups and downs, and I hope she can see she is not alone in this world. We all have been through the trials of growing up, each with our own unique stories and challenges that have shaped us. The joy of growing up should not be shadowed by the pain, as we learn from mistakes and experience the world with fresh eyes. There are people who care about you so much that nothing you do will interfere with the love we have for you; that love is unwavering, a constant source of strength and support. Keara, my beautiful girl, I can think of nothing in this world I care about more than you and your mother. The bond we share is more valuable than any material possession; no trinket of want can shine brighter than my love for you both. It is a love that fuels my spirit and inspires me to be the best version of myself. The truest purpose in life sometimes shows itself when we most need it, revealing itself through the struggles and triumphs we face. Before I met you and your mother, I was in a bad place, lost and searching for direction, but your presence has filled my heart with an indescribable joy and gratitude that I never knew was possible. It is my hope that as you grow, you carry this understanding of love and resilience within you, always remembering that there will always be light even in the darkest of times.
I thought I knew what I wanted, but what I really needed was beyond my vision…until now. I now see that the truest joy is found in the pure love from a child. Keara, my daughter, you grew up until now with no father figure in your life, a void that took its toll on you in ways I cannot fully comprehend. The absence of a father is a heavy burden to bear, and I can only imagine how it feels to have a father that walked away from you and your mother before you even had a chance to know him. I’m sure your questions range from what did you do wrong to how could someone be so hurtful and indifferent to the bond we share. All I can tell you is you did nothing wrong, neither did your mother, who has fought tirelessly to provide you with all the love and support you deserve. Sometimes life can be very difficult to understand, and there are no real answers to the heartache you may feel. As your mother often says, “everyone is different,” and she is absolutely right. “Different” can be good or bad depending on the circumstances, but just remember that not everyone has the same skills or resilience as others. Your father did not seem to have the strength to be a dad, but I will not fail you, Keara. I am here now, ready to support you in every way I can, to be the father you deserve, and to help you navigate through life’s complexities with love, warmth, and understanding. Together, we will build a relationship filled with trust and support, ensuring that you always know how cherished you truly are.
I will always be there when you need me, ready to offer a listening ear and a compassionate heart, and stand aside when you need to handle things on your own, respecting your space and autonomy. I don’t judge you; I just offer advice born from experience and empathy. I don’t tell you what to do; instead, I help you use your mind to explore different perspectives and make good decisions for yourself. I hope I can help you to understand that you can’t always get what you want—life has its ups and downs—but if you try sometimes, with perseverance and patience, you often find that you get what you need in the end. All I needed was you to share this journey with me, and I’m truly glad I found you, as your presence has added a depth of meaning to my life that I never knew was possible.
Weird Guy With The Dog 